things are moving so fast
my life is rushing past me
i dont remeber what is going on anymore
there are just more and more scars
and that worries me the most
im burning out
and im scared im gonna let you all down

how am i ment to help everyone when im waiting for someone to open there eyes and help me

things are moving so fast
my life is rushing past me
i dont remeber what is going on anymore
there are just more and more scars
and that worries me the most
im burning out
and im scared im gonna let you all down

how am i ment to help everyone when im waiting for someone to open there eyes and help me

I see her tomorrow
I can't wait
But I'm so worried
What if she sees my healing wounds and realizes
What if she finds out that I'm weak at times
What if she notices that there is a change that I'll fail again
What if she feels my chest and I flinch away
What if she grabs my shoulder and I have to grid my teeth
What if the scabs break and she feels and sees my blood failing

What if I have already fucked up by cutting in the first place

...
Why

I don't know why
But this time of year always bums me out
Like a fuck load
I've been cutting more
And now I'm places which are hard to hide
I'm so stupid
Why there and in summer so I can just layer on fucking cloths
Oh well all day no one commented on my scars which was nice
But it makes me wonder have my parents not seen them or have they seen them and don't wanna talk to me abOut it

I think if they new
It would be easier
But I just know that my mum would cry and I can't deal with leading her to paiin

The only I ask for Christmas
Is to be able to hold you again

Fuck
I hate Christmas

Time for a change
I fail again

So
Bye

I did it again
A few deeper this time
And I know it's horrible
But it was kinda relaxing
I can feel the blood running down as we speak
Its kind of burning and tickling at the same time :D

Wow

I sounds horrible
If you can't tell I've had a bad night
And I'll probably keep posting more tonight plus the other one already

Everyone is making plans
And I feel like I'm just stuck here
In the same spot
Not moving foward
I'm still fucked up
I'm still wrecked
I'm still complaining about my life

The only thing that has changed is that I have added scars to my story board
People have left just as they did before and more people are emerging
But no one ever stays for that long
They give me there issues, make me care
And then are surprised when I hate the people that have hurt them
Oh well
It's time to give in
To go back to drinking alone and shutting everyone out
It's not the first time so this will be easy

Maybe if I avoid everyone they will all leave and I will never have to feel them leave one by one anymore

I don't understand how know one looks at me and see that I am Brocken, I'm always the person you cares never the person to be taken care of.

Today was amazing
All day
But it was readying ur diary as you lay and slept that made the day
I felt so good
Like it could work
I had no regrets
No pain
But now I'm here
I have dropped
I feel like ripping my self apart
Everyone says I need to sleep more
But it's when I try that I have time to think
I have time to notice the blades in my room
I have time to notice my body
Time to see my scars

Its at this time
When I can see the pain
When I can feel the dread
I'm not stable
I'm not safe
I'm scared of my self
And what I'll do

I'm so nervous that I have depression
But I can't tell anyone
I can't open up anymore
This is my only outlet

So many bad things
Have happened
And I wonder how I'm still pushing
How I'm still living when one of my events would make people think of suicide 

I have also been thinking
What if I wasn't here
If I did cut so deeply I bled out
What would change
I no you'd miss me 
But that would pass
I no I have more to live for
But I don't know if it's meant to be 

Maybe I'm to close
Maybe I need to step back

I sat here and wrote a huge post
But you know what

Fuck it

I thought I wasn't going to
Never again i said
But now
All I can think is how badly I want to

I want to feel it rip and tear
I want the blood to spill and drip
I want the scars

I just don't understand I'm happy
Things are going well compaired to what I'm use to
But all I want is to bleed
Maybe this is the start to my cycle
Maybe I shouldn't
But I don't know if I can avoid it anymore

R they more song lyrics or are they something else
Oh well

Now its time to wait and see how big of an explosion is to come

I need to you to speak
I can't help you when you don't tell me
I wouldn't have gone if you said stay
I avoid cutting coz you asked me to
I keep it a secret because you asked me to
Anything you said I would happily do if it helps you
I will always try to save and be there
But I can't of u don't tell me



I whispered IT into the phone after you hung up

this one is on me
i caused the hurt
i made her cut
i made her feel the pain
i should have just been quite

please dont hurt again after reading this
please
you promised ud avoid doing it

this one is on me
i caused the hurt
i made her cut
i made her feel the pain
i should have just been quite

please dont hurt again after reading this
please
you promised ud avoid doing it

cant do this

you say these things
that ur dont want me to freak
the things that would make normal people run

but im here
i stayed by yourside
and you showed me that you do still love him

the way you looked at him
the way you kiss him infront of me

it shows me that you should be with him
and that i was right
i jumpped to conclusions and was wrong
i hoped for something bigger
something better then i should ever have
and i was wrong
so very wrong

so im gonna step back
im gonna leave you be
im gonna make you realise that he is the better one
and that he always will be

maybe i just need some more smokes
somthing to calm me down
and not think the way i do

i cant deal with this stuff anymore
this back and forth game
it hurts

im constandly feeling like crap untill i see you
and only you

but now i dont know how long i can take anymore
im so happy then i leave
and drop
im here again wanting to cut out the pain and jsut forget but at the same time always remember

i dont know how much longer i can do it for

I'm jumping to thoughts again
I need to chill out and breath

My mind is going insane
I can't think that way
I no it's not true
So why do I think it is about me

Oh well I'll let it rest
Maybe ask tomorrow and make an ass out of my self again

I've screwed up again

Why do I do this stuff

Oh well I'll figure it out

I CANT BELIEVE I THOUGHT THAT
FUCK

why would anyone like her feel that way about me
look at me im a reck
so stupid
FUCKING HELL

FUCK
i fucked everything up this time

oh well my chest has been looking alittle to bair these days anyway
so good night and remember
FUCK IM STUPID

every day it seems to get worse.
the need to hurt my self
i cant stop the impulse

i just get this feeling that
well
i dont even know

my mind just looses it self
and i end up looking in the mirror to my bleeding

im scared
i cant have depression
i just cant deal with know if i do right now

i already suffer from post dramatic stress and now
it seems like i have another mental illness to add

i dont know what the fuck im gonna do....

Im starting to feel less guilty about this
about what im doing

im not to sure about why
maybe its coz i want it
i want you
and
that you understand
you feel my chest and you understand the reasons a bit better then everyone else

my scars arnt as bad as yours
But you get it

i wish it was easier
you may have me
but i no i wont ever have you

your a free spirit which is great
but i want you
i need you
and you keep flying away

i saw you for a few hours and
wished it was days,
months
years

i dont know
im foolish
dont worry about me :D

yep

i told my friend this story the other night
i did some stupid things taht night so i thought that telling her this might make up for it a little
its all true well 2 my point of view :D

I once met this girl
That made me feel so different
I didn't no what to feel
But slowly but surely I got use to her weirdness
She was so thin and so beautiful
But there was this man
A man I trust and love
But over time I got use to him being there

Then one day my feelings blossomed
With her help of course
But my mind changed again
She sung with such grace
And yet such power

I wanted her
Needed her
And did really trust her

idn

i dont know why i did it
i really dont understand it
all i know is that i want to be me again
and that when i slide my hand up my chest and to my shoulder and down my bi cep and to my wrist
i can feel every line
every scar
every mark
and it feels good

i dont agree with it
but i have this thing with scars that makes me feel so good
im sorry my posts have been a bit off coz my mind hasnt been in the right place for a while
hopfully ill fix it up and u guys can keep reading and enjoy :D

It begins

I realized today that I'm a size 12
I should be a ten and that is now my goal
I will loose the weight anyway possible and it starts today
Last thigni ate was 5 hours ago
I know nothing yet
But it will
I will not eat until 12 on the 11th
I've fasted before but that was for charity now this is for me
And even on the 11th it won't be much
I need to loose this weight
I need better legs
And y hips must be able to be seen
I'm sick of beig the fat kid
I'm sick of swimming with a shirt on
I'm sick of buying large shirts
I can do it
I will loose the weight

hmmmm

i dont know how i feel
i havnt dated in so long
and now, even tho its not dating
i feel strange i dont know wat to do

oh well i guess ill just step back and see where things go
she was just so beautiful last night
so much to think about

im not sure

i dont know how i feel at the moment
my mind is torn into diffrent peices
my body is bruised and scard

i feel diffrent
like a traitor almost

i think it might be time to pick up the bottle again
for so long have a pushed though my own issues with out it
but now im weak
im bruised and hurt
i think i might need to start up that horrible habit again
it destroyed so much but it made me

i wont be answer any questions about this blog post
even if your one of my best mates this is for me and me alone

Feeling this way isn't heathy for the heart

last day

tomorrow is the last day

so many people leaving
so many memories will be lost
the last day of being with the ones i love
as they leave i no that my heart will always beat for them
but they will move on
they will find others
my last hug with my bro
my last gaming talk with lukas
my last councellor seshtion of this year
and i have so much to say
no more classes
no more teachers
diffrent PCAs

i dont know if im ready to leave
i cant let them leave with out them knowning how i feel
but its to late to make up for all the mistakes

i love you guys who im loosing
and i always will
i hope i see u guys alot
but i no we will never be the same....
walking in this storm is looking like a grate idea at the moment
its time to become cold
time to be numb
time to lye down and not believe that its over...

Every week
Every fucking week
It seems u come up with another issue about me
How I'm failing you
Or ingnoring you
And then we have these arguments and u say all these things
That make me think that it's ok
That we will be fine
And then bam
Another blogpost about how I don't love you anymore
I've said sorry for everything already
And u say u don't mean to hurt me bu u keep doing it
U know who you are
And yet ur not the same person as u were before

colab with findhomeandlivefree.blogspot.com

colaboration
her part will be in in normal letters
i shall put mine in italics
p.s her blog is
findhomeandlivefree.blogspot.com


The moon shone through the tall green trees the covered the grave of where she lay,
resting her head she slept
deep into her tragic dreams
full of pain and memorys
burning into her silent eyes

the wind filed the leaves and whispered through the graveyard and continued down the street, spinning stories down the lanes and through the old town. It was cold, dark, and quiet.

The wind blew down up her skirt tickling her thighs,
as she woke back into the world of the living surrounded by those who are dead,
she thought of the events that brought her here
scream through her mind the words of her pursuires

and it was no longer quiet. Everything screamed inside her as the wind bit through to the bone, and she sat up and looked around. it was empty, desolate.

The wind through her hair to the right forcing her to look in that direction
thats when she noticed,
the trees had turned there branches into hands
and all pointed deep into the forest which surrounded the grave yard
The hands were old, rickerly and hair,
they had been damaged over time

The path that led into the forest was almost overgrown. Branches knotted their way around, a tunnel of trees and roots and bony twigs; an impossble tangle. The wind was pulling her towards it; yearning, leaning. She looked down at the grass beneath her
it was perfectly still

She still had this pulling force but the grass didnt move
the grean field was only interupeted by the trees and gravestones
she tried to walk away
trying to escape the cluth of the forest
she fell to the ground and fell the winds hands clasp her ankles
pulling her towards the forest
her legs lifted as if being pulled by a someone not a somthing
she dug her fingers into the green grass, digging up dirt and braking nails,
she heard the grass scream out in pain and finaly let go,
she was hurled into the intangeled forest
being thrown from tree to tree
as branchs tore parts of her skirt and shirt apart
when it all calmed down she was left with nothing
but a few scraps of fabric coving her shoulds to her belly button and her skirt was was now torn to her upper thighs

 

 

 

 

p.s i have a lot of stoies so go and check em out on my other channel which there is a link for just above me follows :D

D:

My feelings are going back and forth
Im not sure what i want to do anymore
I stopped dating for so long and set all these rules
but now more and more amazing people are turning into more then just people
Im scared im gonna fuck up another friendship
by thinking with my heart not my head
i hear and see the drama every day
but the longer i wait the harder its gonna get

The list

As tiny as u are your one of the big ones
I have lost so much and now I have to add you to the list
I never imagined you'd be on it
You were a reason
A big reason why I kept going
But now it isn't there
You are someone else's now
And I guess I don't need to protect you anymore
It's time to hang up my shield and maybe my neck

It's only when relationships end do we realize how much that person actually ment

You don't need to worry
You don't need to talk
You don't need me anymore
So good bye
And I hope you can push on longer then I can

Awkward

I no ur gonna read this so what the heck

Last night one of my mates slept in my bed with me
We were all clothed
But this feeling took over
I could stop holding her hips
And feeling her soft skin
It was weird and this sounds a bit scary
But Idn it was just something
I had to stop my self from doing anything
MAybe it's because I havnt been with anyone in ages
Or because your beautiful
I don't have a thing for you
It was just really nice
I felt good
And at the same time really bad
Sorry

First ever poem

I don't know if this is any good but eh
comment if u think it's bad or good


The rain trickles down
As the moon floats away
The rope falls low
As she swings back and fro 
Her shadow grows and fades
Her love will lay
It was her suicide
That brought my pain
Her hair hung loose
The red locks tangled over her chest
Her once warm skin became blue and cold
Her heart stops beating
As mine beats faster
I love her as she once loved me

Rue

Hunger games
I just watch this awesome clip
Of when rue dies
And now
I feel as if I have lost someone
Someone close
I have lost people around me
But I actually feel as if one of my friends has died
I feel like I'm in morning(wrong spelling)
Idn why
It's just stuck in my head
I now it's coming
I need to note everything down
Take more photos
I need to reflect on the relationships I have build
I need to make them know I love them
All of them

This is where my feelings go

This is where they go
Good or bad
I don't want to hurt anyone just say what I'm feeling and that can end up being negative

I would always be your savior
But it's that u said I wasn't
That I lie over and over
That's what did it for me
That's what hurt

The first strike

Of all people I would never of thought it to be you
I read your letter and see it as nothing
The one thing that true made me believe that you were the person who would always be there
And you stab me in the back
I swore to help
And you spat it in my face
I will always be there
I will take the pain

You destroyed my spirit tonight
You did it
No one else
You were the one who was always gonna be on my side and now
Now you have fucked me over
Over and over

I'm it ur savior

You say I'm not your saviour
U say ur not good enough because I don't tell you anything

I don't tell u anything to save you
I have done so much that when I take a small amount of time of weakness that I am said to be a failer
A fuck up that's me
I'm sorry I couldn't help out
I'm sorry that I'm not there as much
But I have done so much
And I say everything you check my blog you know what's going on
I don't plan to die
I just feel it comIng
I have done so much
So fucking much
But no
I always let people down
You want me to be open fine then
Ask and I will sai will tell you and let you cry
I will show you why I don't tell you
I will make you wish you had still come to me for help and not try to get my pain out!!!

just sent this to a mate

"will you be at school tomorrow"

"

yeah idn if ill be there

i lied
im not fine
im not ok
i no its coming
i feel worse every day
i really wanted you to be here
so i had someone
someone important
to talk my foolish and fucked mind of it
but i no it
i dont want it
i cant have it
but i feel it
deep inside
the need
i dont know how much longer i can support every one
i need to finish my book so when im gone you all have somthing to keep u pushing

i just dont know any more


im sorry

you have so much more then i can ever imagin
and im here cracking in front of you

ive fucked up

alot"

Check out

Hey this is part one of a new story called
Between hurricane and harbor
I might post more on my second blogg there's a link just up there
And after this post I'll be posting the other parts of Lucy on there as well
So I hope u enjoy this


Between hurricane and harbor 

Its cold out side and the water underneath the bridge is flowing extremely heavily, I walk through the cold air,
My breath is white,smoke like, then I see her
She was sitting up against the bridge her dark figure showed she was skinny and her legs reached the end of the curb and onto the road
It was only when the truck drove by did I see it
Those big guiding head lights opened my eyes
Dropping my bag I ran as fast as I could to her
Sliding on the wet bridge I reach her in no time
I automatically clasp her bleeding wrists
Blood pures over my fingers making them warm not numb
I  turn around, screaming for help but I know no one would hear. In this small town know comes running when someone is screaming out, I scoop her up into both arms after I realize I can see my house and I know I can help out quicker then staying here waiting for the ambulance. I don't feel the cold anymore insead I feel her deep red fluid running down my cloths and staining my chest, her short blue hair chocks me with all the hair spray but it doesn't matter, in no time we are already past the bridge and heading to the house, I lye her down against the wall next to my front door, the house is only small but it works well for me and my room mate who is out, over seas for a while, I start screaming towards her. 
" keep pressure on your arms"
But she only moans 
I crab both her elbows and lift her into my arms
Helping her into the bath
I raise both of her wrists and start straight away
Strapping up one and then observing the other
This one is horribly dirty
I look deep into her dark green eyes and say
" this is gonna hurt a lot but you have to trust me"
I put her arm under the tap and spin the hot water tap
It steams and burns her flesh but cleans the wounds perfectly
I grab her now clean wrist and start with the stitches 
I quickly fix the worst ones on each side
And she just lays there
Motionlessly 
I don't know if she is dead except for the occasional and way to long part moans
After fixing up her arm
I lay there next to the bath tub
Covered in blood
With the front door still open
I look towards her
Tears pouring down her face
And then her eyes shut
She has passed out
But I don't know what to do
I just lay there checking her neck for a beat every few minutes

I wake up suddenly to the slam of the front door

Trip (boring, with bad spelling but eh)

This is probably gonna be boring but eh here is my trip notes

Trip
I should add before you read that the time is in Australian but the date is what it is where I am
For example
I say it's 5:17 on the 6 of oct, it means it's actually 8:16 on the 6th here



Before we leave

I leave in a few hours
I don't know what I'm gonna do
I feel so lost so alone
This is gonna be a horrible month
With so may consequences 
I'm worried for all of my friends in need, so I hope this sorrta helps when in distanced 

Do not be afraid of what you feel
Find a way to imprace it, when you feel down,draw
When your angry run
When you are embarrassed laugh
And when you are scared be brave

This month will go quickly and I'll be back for you soon
I will return
I'm not leaving you
This space will make us strong
I will miss you but please don't miss me
Enjoy your time without me
With out my nagging so you'll tell me what's not

Just try to live as much as possible, for the both of us
Be selfless
Ask for help
Enjoy life
And dream

I love you :D
To my dear friends
James







3 oct

It's the third.of October at 12:05AM and to be honest I had the most amazing day all my mates came into civic and we, sam w, stephen, brooke, lish, calum,jacquie and erin all just chilled, we went to glebe and played grid iron and catch and frisby, me and Brooke ripped up the hacky sack was awesome, but now I'm in Sydney on the toilet and  I don't know how I feel just yet,
I know lishy cried when I left and so did Erin,
 I love them





8:47pm oct the 3

First plane trip
I don't actually know where I am, I know I'm in the air somewhere I can see sea not land so we arnt flying over australia, my feet hurt and I'm gonna kill someone soon I I don't get a smoke GGGGRRRrRRrR

I'm on the flight to Amsterdam and it is 5:11 am
It is shit, this is the longer flight and I'm all dirty and ewwy   Because Singapore was insanely hot and going for a smoke was almost unbearable,I have also realized that sleep is impossible I'm to stressed and worried and I miss every one back home, whyd we have to do this numb nut trip 

1:26 am

We r standing in the middle of the Dom tower my legs hurt so much,we are almost half way, we r in the bell area, it is over 400 steps and bigger then 100 meters tall, stupid parents, I'm missing everyone a lot

Up another lot of stairs and I will admit the view is awesome :D


Lol we got lost in a tower hahaha ababa aha
It turns out that the chick in the lead forgot to check all the doors so we stood there for 10mins waiting for the guide to come down to unlock the door when she lent on a door and it opened, lol we all were so happy to get out.

7:49
Just had an amazing walk with benta took some horrible photos but it was awesome to talk to her, we spoke of relationships, how she wanted to be a teacher and I taught her some English was alot of fun, 
Thanks benta
Now I'm chillin in bed and it's extremely hot, I thought it would be cold but no they make it hot,
I'm still really missing Australia but the more I'm here the more awesome things I seem to find, but as of now I'm gonna go and work on Lucy part 6


It's 12:18 am on the 5th 
And I'm at this weird information center, 
The forest was awesome but learning about it and the houses and the art gallery were shit, I got some awesome photos I will admit and a few people actually smiled at me today first time since I got here, I miss Australia so much, I just don't feel right here

5:14 am 6 of oct
Today we met Peter,Lillian and Thom 
All were really nice and Thom was the first metal child have seen here since I got here, we went to some village that is protected or inside a star shaped fortress, I forgot the name, it was a bit boring but we got to see some awesome people, :D

7:11 on the 6th of October
My parents were talking about how my mum had difficult giving birth to my sister and I almost burst into tears, all the mistakes I have made. I can't get away from the shity things I have done it life, I'm on the other side of the world and still can't escape the tragedy of my fuck ups.

7:11pm on the 10th
I have been so busy so it'll just be a quick recap of the past 3 days

Me and bente went into Amsterdam and it was amazing we trained in and I didn't shack and the cops were so nice and it was awesome to go shopping, then we came home and just chilled
The next day we just relaxed people left except me and bente we chilled and waited for that night when everyone came over
Met so many people

Yesterday me bente and her sister Melska went into rottadam and we walked around the shopped,
So Many Shoes!!!!!!

Now I'm sitting here at the table waiting for another hour before we go, we leave holland and go into Italy
I'm gonna miss everyone
And last night was probably the last time I'll ever see bente :(


2:01
10th
We just got into Rome and it is amazing
So much sun and culture as soon as u step outside
I just wanna go and swim or run
It's insanely sunny!!!!!!

6:10 tenth of oct
I realize what I said above was nothing but a lie as soon as we got to the hotel everything went to shit, we are fighting and all this shit, i had to restrain my self from punching the fun called rudi in the face, fuck this is a shit trip

8:30am i don't know the date
IF U HAVNT READ HUNGER GAMES THEN DON'T READ THIS IT IS ABIT OF A SPOILER

so I just read the bit around page 280 were

Rue dies and Katniss sings to her, and I'm almost crying 
I dont know why but it's so upsetting I loved rue and now she isn't there and it's all sad, I hate books that get to me

Here is rues lullaby 

Deep in the meadow, under the willow
A bed of grass, a soft green pillow
Lay down your head, and close your sleepy eyes
And when again they open,the sun will rise.
Here it's safe, here it's warm
Here the daisies guard you from every harm
Here your dreams are sweet and tomorrow brings them true
Here is the place where I love you.
Deep in the meadow, hidden far away
A cloak of leaves, a moonbeam ray
Forget your woes and let your troubles lay
And when again it's morning, they'll wash away.
Here it's safe, here it's warm
Here the daisies guard you from every harm
Here your dreams are sweet And tomorrow brings them true
Here is the place where I love you.

So sad :(


Fuck it's 3:26
And I just woke ip after only have 2 hours of sleep
This hotel is fucked I'm not on a bed I'm not a fucking couch 
I'm sorry but this trip has failed
I miss holland
And o miss Australia
And all my mates


3:54 
It's lik 7 here in Rome and today wasn't as bad as yesterday,
We went and saw the final judgement Which was pretty cool
I'm sitting here and all I wanna do is go back to Amsterdam I really did love it there, plus Rome is a hole
I wouldn't come back anytime soon
I do think Rome is beautiful at night but the beauty doesn't work anymore with all the fighting that has happened when we got here

4:06 on the 12th
Just gott into Florence and its nice the hotel we r in is good
But I still don't wanna. Be here
I miss everything and feel like shit 24/7

It's 5:35 on the 12th
We are in this nice restaurant and then all this load people come in, drinking yelling being dicks, 
Don't want to be racist but most are asian tourists
I have to strain my self for going of and the biggest drunk guys coz he is pissing the shit out of me

I'm not feeling to talkative I'm extremely tired so I'm just gonna say that Today we saw the giant David  in Florence

5:45 13th
We went to the same place for dinner to night and it is amazing if your ever in Florence you should come here and order the roasted pork leg with roast potatoes in the oven and then for dessert get the tiramassu (wrong spelling
It's called Trattoria Da Tito

Anyway I'm so stuffed with food I think my belly is gonna explode
I feel really over weight, I don't like being big
I just feel that being I'll would be better then being this bloated 

10:14pm 14th
We just went to a leather shop for my dad
I don't like he is buying leather coz that's my thing
But the girl there and the shop was amazing it was called

Leather factory
NDS
And look for the girl named Vera
And offer her a smoke and she will become a really nice person :D
Anyway we are now sitting eating lunch at the same place as yesterday 
It's called florens 
Not a bad pizza

Eww (I no I have already posted this) 14oct

I feel so sick
This insane pain in my stomach and gut
It's as if I have don't a train of shots containing acid
I can't taste blood in my mouth but I don't know if that's from all the dry swallowing or that I'm biting my tongue so hard
Someone just cut it out! 

7:03am
We just had dinner at the same place
I had lamb rips in fried sesame seads
And it's amazing
And now I'm gonna have one of my favorite things to eat
tiramassu!!!
Incase u can't be bothered scrolling up it's called
Trattoria da Tito
You must come here if your in Florence 
It is to die for
We have been here three nights. In a row and now it's as if we are family :D I love it I would happy work in this one restaurant   
There offering every one shots of this strange orange liquor and it's so insane having a lot of fun, with Maggie 
Lol just did shots with me mum dad and Maggie our waitress and she is totally gone, oh and did I say the bottle is 30 percent 
So funny and weird to be doing shots with the family
Lol and the chef just did two shots bahahahHba

6:25 on the 15th I think
We just landed in holland and I love it here
I am a bit upset that we are not gonna see bente but eh
And me and dad had a huge fight I actually hate him so much

6:24 16th I think
We are at the Amsterdam airport about to get onto our flight. This is the last time I will be in holland for a long time and I know I'm gonna miss it :(

9:09 17th

Just billing in bath yeah as in where Charlie is so cool like lives :D to bad I leave in an hour or two and haunt seen him,but oh well
I hunk I'm gonna start my own music thingo
Just with the acoustic guitar and bass and maybe a tambourine 
Like never shout never
Or if I can get the lyrics awesome
Jonny cash
And I shall name it
First drag
Coz that first drag from a smoke in the morning is so amazing
But yeah
Bath is sexy
But pretty boring unless you can drink
Which I can't

1:07 17th 
I'm in some hick fucking town
This place is shit, there is nothing but fucking fields and sone shitty stone circle, not the hedge just a circle and a town, I fucking hate the people I'm with, they keep waisting my fucking time,I hate them 


Spry I haven't said much but ATM it is
7:05 on the 21st
Anyway we are in Scotland, Pitlochry 
And we have already spent two days in Edinburgh
We picked up my lovely sister for devon in the UK and I think my dad cried a bit lol
Anyway we just got back from an amazing light show here
And it was awesome
I loved taking photos of all the trees lit up different colors
Ill give more tomorrow ATM I wanna sleep


4:00 22nd
So I'm at a
Wait for it

Haunted castle in invenese

We r staying the night and I'm so fucking pumped
My muscles tense at very door
Im touching every wall
I can't wait
As a big believer in the after life it's gonna be awesome to use my tarot cards here :D
I love it here awesome night it will be

10:21 23rd
The castle was bad ass but I just slipped over and another castle and ate shot hard, my only black skinnys that are not ripped and now covered in mud
Fuck 

6:51 24th
So sick of not sleeping
And not being back home
And not being with my mates
This holiday is nothing but shit

I don't even know the time or date
I'm so done
I hate being away from Australia
It's time to go home!!



11:40
In Singapore it's really hot here but it's good to be going home
I miss Australia so much can't wait to lie down in my own bed and watch tv and smoke on the deck and hug all my mates 
I love Australia 

Update

I'm so sick of all of this
I'm sick of being alone
I'm sick of not having some one to hold when I sleep
I want to be able to hug her and she rests on my shoulder
I want to be able to stare into her eyes for hours with out saying anything
I want someone to love
I want someone to love me
I want a beautiful girl who will tell me everything and alow me to help her

I feel so sick
This insane pain in my stomach and gut
It's as if I have don't a train of shots containing acid
I can't taste blood in my mouth but I don't know if that's from all the dry swallowing or that I'm biting my tongue so hard
Someone just cut it out! 
I don't know why but it's horrible
The cold air was good but now it does nothing but hurt

I wish it wasn't like this

I don't know if I can do it
I'm so sore
So beaten
So broken

But I must push on,
I promised I would
It's just so hard
I feel all this pain
I wanna get rid of it
I wanna brake this skin and bleed
Bleed the numbness away
But I can't
Instead I have this one song stuck in my head
I ache
I burn for it to leave coz it makes me sO sad but it just won go away


Deep in the meadow, under the willow
A bed of grass, a soft green pillow
Lay down your head, and close your sleepy eyes
And when again they open,the sun will rise.
Here it's safe, here it's warm
Here the daisies guard you from every harm
Here your dreams are sweet and tomorrow brings them true
Here is the place where I love you.
Deep in the meadow, hidden far away
A cloak of leaves, a moonbeam ray
Forget your woes and let your troubles lay
And when again it's morning, they'll wash away.
Here it's safe, here it's warm
Here the daisies guard you from every harm
Here your dreams are sweet And tomorrow brings them true
Here is the place where I love you.

grr

i just raged on facebook
and im really sorry if it offendeds anyone usually religion doesnt bother me
but i was just so angry and yeah

religian (soz about spelling) is fake, they all speak of love nad hope yet they dont except sinners, people who love they same sex, most religions are a waste of time and space, they seep there way into the lives of the hopeless promising n...othing but lies and false hope, speaking of a better life after death or that they will be forgoten for there mistakes in the past, The only thing we can truely believe in is ourselevs and our own actions

 

anyway

atm im about an hour out of amsterdam in holland

it is amazing here and im extremly proud of my family over here, i met my second cousin, Bente, on the first day and we have been having a good time talking and taking photos

 

so just a quick little up date

im working on lucy part 6-7 and its gettin good

so have a good nice

dont for get to wear pants :D

I'm off

I leave in a few hours
I don't know what I'm gonna do
I feel so lost so alone
This is gonna be a horrible month
With so may consequences 
I'm worried for all of my friends in need, so I hope this sorrta helps when in distanced 

Do not be afraid of what you feel
Find a way to imprace it, when you feel down,draw
When your angry run
When you are embarrassed laugh
And when you are scared be brave

This month will go quickly and I'll be back for you soon
I will return
I'm not leaving you
This space will make us strong
I will miss you but please don't miss me
Enjoy your time without me
With out my nagging so you'll tell me what's not

Just try to live as much as possible, for the both of us
Be selfless
Ask for help
Enjoy life
And dream

I'm gonna try to post again but if not

I love you :D
To my dear friends
James

I don't know if I can help,
So much is on my shoulders
So much and I'm scared I'm gonna crack
If I crack other fall
Im the support
Nothing more
Just a support peice
Im scared I can't help
Im scared
I'm so fucking worried
I just need to know what to do
I need someone to help me so I can help others
Please take my advice
Do as I say
It's not your fault

Ps this is a bit of a strange night, sorry for the random posts

love hurts

under the night sky
its so easy out there.
 simple
no regrets
no pain
just relief
a place to relax
to get away from it all
where you can scream at the sky
let go of our anchors
no need to cut or bleed
just a place to breath

The time between morning and night

We all make mistakes
We all carry around our black bags
We must fight
We must not give up
With every scare comes another story
We all have our scare story boards but leave it there
Add more scares do not end it all
We are all broken so be careful with what we say
We need to keep pushing on
Ending it is solution forever but for temporary problems
Death may be a gift but it's the time it takes it to get there which is the best
Keep pushing
Don't give up
Don't forget
And never regret
The sun will rise again, another day will always be better, long for the night, keep breathing
Don't let the others win

to write love on her arm

i want to write love on her arm
i want to draw on her hands
i want to play with her fingers as we walk
i just want a good relationship
i miss the love
i miss the time we would spent together
i miss lying in the sun
i miss the feeling of smiles when i see you

its time for you to leave my head and become real and join my heart

if your out there
come and find home
...

BAND read if u have a spare minute

That is it I'm being proactive from now on
If you have any musical talent and live in the ACT area contact me now!!!!!!

I'm thinking the name will be

SCARS OF DETICATION

I want it to be hard and brutal
I am happy to play bass or do harsh vocals
Anything
I need to get on stage and do somthing with my life ASAP
And I'm feeling that it has to be something on stage
So please try to contact me, even if u have a band and need a new bassist or u wanna start a hole new band just, Idn I need this now!!!!!

Please

I need the heart break
I need something to get rid of this numbness and disappointment 

I need the love I don't know how much longer I can go with out her, I don't know who she is but she is out there, please I'm begging you come and find me, I need you I want to love you, I want to share our issues, share our failures, share our gouls.

I need it please
Now more then ever
I don't know how long I can keep pushing on without you.

I can't fight it any more
I long for you
Please come and take the pain away

I beg of you

Im so worried, so scared
Why have I done these foolish things
I cant believe I said yes
Yes to that sin
Yes the the death
I should of stood up for you when you couldn't

I no that it was her choice I couldn't of done anything
But I wish that we were ok and not to destroyed and alone
I havnt seen her in weeks, no months
Why does it have to be this way

I know I know but do you know I know you know I know that I want you to know

This probably won't make sence to alot of you as it is a reply to my friend

I know that you know that we will always be here for you
We will always smile no matter what is going on
We will always love you
We will always be there for you
We will always be there to rebuild you
So take Down your guard or give us a key
So we can help you

Don't be afraid of loosing us, no matter how far we will help
Don't be afraid of not feeling happiness when we leave, there will be others like us.


We will always love you :D

I don't know

The addiction is coming back,
I dont know how long I can hold off before I rip into my arm
So much adrenalin, such a relief
But I know it will fuck everything up,
I thought I was doing ok, I build this stupid dream
A dream that all of this shot was over
But it was a lie nothing but a veil that covered my eyes

I don't know how much longer I can go without making more scars

P.s check out my short stories Lucy is going awesomely :D

Battle

I'm just so swore
I'm so tired

Tired of this fight
Swore after the battle
But I'm no where near the end of the war

I can't surrender
I should surrender
All this pain and suffering for what
So we can continue with our crummy lives
The only thing holding me is all my mates
Please don't leave
I wont be Able to fight anymore

I'm just so swore

Lucy part 1

* ring ring*
" hello
.....
Oh, I see. How did it happen?
.....
I'll tell her straight away, sorry for you loss
Beep beep"

Lucy's mum ran up the stairs but it was to late
Lucy already knew that her best friend had died, he'd been on the phone to her as he bleed out on his kitchen floor.
Thoughts of regret and sorrow pushed and pulled in lucy's delicate mind. Thoughts of memories and love, thoughts of how they had been friends since they were kids, how she use to play at his house just down the road, playing catch and hide n go seek, such innocent times but now just as they were coming together she found her self lost.

Her mum burst through her door, seeing her daughter curled up on the ground at the feet of her bed, holding the photo of him, once so clean now covered in blood and tears.

Family members really know how to make you feel good

So my Oma (Dutch for grandma) came down this weekend and decided to tell me I have depression
I realize that if you read these that you probably feel the same

So I've been talking to my mates and they agree
And now I feel that maybe I do have depression
But I can't have it
It will ruin everything
I feel fine except when I'm alone
That's when shit goes down

I've been feeling happier but everyone is suddenly asking if I'm ok
Or what's wrong
I don't understand
Do I have a sign tapped to my back????

P.s I'm posting another story soon and I'll be trying to add to it every few weeks :D

I need you
I long for you
I beg for you
I dream to be with you

When will you see

death is a gift

death is a gift
life is a tragity
pain is a realization
and depression is felt by all

i feel so dead, so alone
nothing seems to be going the way i planed it to be.
i am making more and more mistakes
people are feeling that they cant depend on me
but thats what i need,
i need people to tell me there issues and problems
that way i feel i can beat mine

what have i done wrong?
i have wasted so much time
fucked up so much
why does all this crap seem to happen to me

more and more scars are appearing
i feel the need of pain more then ever
please someone.

I can't make them real

It's coming around again

This feeling of being a waste of space and time
Nothing but pain is felt by the people around me
I have grown new scares
My blood level has Falling
My heart isn't beating as fast
Is has become weak and frail

All of this time has coursed nothing but pain.

People have left and I thought that these 5 months would be dragged put more
It came around so quickly, I still don't believe it but I will come and see you soon
I now know where you lay and I am planning on getting there

R.I.P S.M

...

I don't know why I feel so bad tonight

Just so much time to reflect on everything I have done
Everyone I have effected
Every lie
Every truth
Every tear dropped for me, because of my life stories

But there are still things that I can never tell anyone because I no it will hurt them
I don't know if I have done anything to help anyone
I hope that I have effected you in a good way
I hope that the words I spit are slowly making you realize that the blade is never a good option

So many scares
So many disappointments
So many fuck ups

3 days

In less then three days it's offical
I am 16

It should be a good thing

But I just want it to stop
The absence of my happiness is everywhere
I can't avoid it anymore

I either give up, end it all, cut all ties
Or
I keep pushing
Keep taking on these responsabilties

I feel so numb
The one person I truly believe will always be there I can't explain it to her and it sucks a giant dick

I just woke up
From this horrible dream
I feel so down and lost

One of my ex parteners had died
I was with her for 2 years
I feel so low
So stupid

Did I make a mistake by breaking up with her
I need to talk to her

I feel that's the only thing that will help me out

I don't know what to do with myself

I almost lost her
For a second I was so extremely scared
WHY was carved into my arm

I almost lost her
Because of one foolish person
Why do I need her so much
Why is she so upset
Why does she always make me smile

I seem truly happy around her

I beg that I don't fuck it up

I can't breath

The pain in my chest is growing
Someone please help me, it won't go away
Everything I look at seems to make me feel worse and worse

It just keeps coming nothing seems to stop it
My voice is quite my breath is thin
Death is seeming like a better life then this one
But I know there are to many people I need to look after before I can take off my shiny armor, 

Nothing is to come from living on
I have  a lot of amazing memories already and enough bad ones to make you cry so why keep pushing if it will just lead to more sorrow and regret

Tears will never run from my eyes just add more cracks to my already broken and fragile heart!!!!!!!!!!!!! :'(

To little one

You wanted the truth

The ggilt is building up, I wish the people around me had build walls, not bridges
That way my cancer couldnt infect them as well

I can see it now
This cloaked smoke figure. Following me every where
Trying to think of knew ways to make me down

I can feel it
With all these sleepless nights
I know he is getting closer
The smell feels my room, his breath touches my neck

He is pushing the knife towards me
Telling me t is the only way to fix everything,
I see it with my family everyday, their eyes have gotten old
From all the stress I have coursed

I shall be gone soon though
Means know one else will get hurt from me

Everything is falling to it's knees
The one place I felt safe is begging
My mind is dieing
My soul has left
I feel I am nothing but a shell

My used up heart still beats
Wishing some one would realize
I hope one day I shall not feel all this guilt
Guilt for things I had no controle over

I am guilty
Guilty to all
Guilty of everything

When will I have my final meal
When will the exercuter of truth call me up

I am sorry if I have effected you
I am sorry if my infection has hurt you

Gabrielle Aplin

this girl

Gabrielle aplin is amazing

i have no joke never heard a voice so amazing :D
GO AND CHECK HER OUT NOW
she is soooooo gooooood

anyway

dont forget to wear pants :D
byess

Dreams

I'm sleeping more and more
Days are not a thing of time anymore
I am loading everything minutes, hours, days and nights.

My dreams are becoming my life and my once perfecct life is now a dream.
There full of pain and suffering. Full of death,destruction and dishonor
I feel guitly all the time and it haunts me when I sleep.

I love her

Everything seems so I fucked, I'm sitting here on the outside looking in to the relationships of my mates and there is just so much drama.
But I still wish I had something like that.
I can see her
She is so close in my head
But I will never know her touch
Or her smell
Or how soft her skin is.

I wish she was here already.
I miss her
I need her
I long for her

I have finally surrendered to my heart
I know I can't push on through life by my self
But she just doesnt want to show up.


Anyway
Don't forget to wear pantaloons :)

Oh My God

So I wanted to say thanks to everyone,
I looked at my stats and found out that there are 218 of you reading my blog

I thought from the start that this would be nothing just a way for me to escape from everything but it had become so much more then that, I realize that I have been a bit slack lately with my posts but I shall be putting up some big ones soon, do to with sexism and judgment and just shit heads out there.
So if you have any ideas please comment it would be amazing to actually take to some of you

Anyway
Love you guys
Don't forget to wear PANTS :)

Up date

So just a quick up date
I have stopped using the hole day thingo
And I think it's better this way

Everything is pretty average I had a horribly boring week end
Nothing has really happened
I still feel like shit
But I feel better knowing one of my best friends now is reading my blog
Love you little one

And yeah I don't really know what else to say
:)

Enjoy the little things

Things are getting more and more difficult
But I have realized that I need to enjoy the little things
It seems that with my vocals getting the darkness is being scared and retreating
Screaming into my mirror seems to let all the anger out

To bad I know that when I wake up nOthing will have changed
I will still feel like shit
People will still be leaning on me and looking at me for help

It's just so FUCKED UP


The one thing that all of my readers (if any) need to remember is

You are beautiful in every way
Never forget that

LOST

I guess I'm just done with everything
These sleepless nights are become more often
And all of this pain and sorrow I has time to think about is getting to me

I have fucked up so many different lives and relationships
I'm stuck on this road to no where

I AM LOST

Lost on my own thoughts
Lost in my dreams
Lost with my life

I have lost everything that ment something to me
All my old morals are gone only to be filled with suffergating regrets

Death seems better and better everyday

Day 12

I thought I was better
I thought I had finally got over it, but it is still here
It happened over a year ago and that night still haunts me
Everything I do seems to be because of that
Why can't anyone notice I need them
I will never tell that I need them but I do
I need help
I need for someone to tell me its ok I can take of my armour, you dont need to save everyone

When will that person get here
When will all of you realize I need help and I need it now
I wish I could go on some meds or somthing but I could never hurt my mother like that
I just want someone to help me

Quickly I need someone to save my soul
PLEASE HELP ME

ZOMBIE

 so if you couldnt tell by my "liz" story i am kind of in love with zombies
and FINALY my zombie survival guide showed up.

AMAZING READ
everyone should read it, even if you dont believe in zombies do it anyway
it will save your life

so yeah just a quick little up date
i am doing well now that i am back at school with my friends
my scars still havnt faided and i am slowly feeling the need to start again.
i dont know why
but the feeling of a blade opening up warm flesh just makes me feel better
its like those few minutes of panic after
the fear of death
the rush of adreniline, makes me forget about everything


(sorry about the spelling, really out of it at the moment)

Day 11

The days seem to be joining and flying by,
No difference.
Everyday the bad news just keeps coming.
There is no way out.
No way to escape.
I can feel myself slipping,
Slipping into space,
My head is not grounded,
My heart is going crazy.
Every minute I am falling away from the world even more.
I need someone who understands who can help but doesn't need me to tell them anything.
Where is She?
When with she arrive?

Day 10

I am sick of having these emotions,
All I can do is cut them out of me, and even then it is only a small amount of happiness
To many people have bigger issues then me, from now on I will not impact on my friends lives with me problems,

This is my life and I will take charge and control it!

day 9

I feel better when i am with my friends
but when im alone is when the darkness comes
With ever thought comes another scare,
the warm red blood slithers down my arm
and all i can think about is what else is to come in my life

Is it worth pushing on?
Is there somthing at the end to make it all worth it?

Im scared to be alone,
thats when i feel like im going to die.
Thats when i can think.
The silence will kill us all
and truth with be the blade.

Day 8

It's all a lie!

There is no light at the end of the tunnel,
For so long I believed it would get better, but everything is just turning to shit
I'm slipping, the pain is getting th better of me,
We all put up these walls around our friends but I wish, no I beg just one would realize that it is starting to take control
Everyday more scars appear and more blood is spilt
Everyday I lay here starring at the roof thinking how and when will it get better,
When will the promises I was told come true

Day 7

I just wanna find someone who can be with me and I will not had to fuck around with these little games!
Nothing but heart has come from every one I have loved, betrayal, pain, destruction
All of it from my stupid decisions
How can life be so difficult
I just don't know if I can keeping going on living these days
I love so many and get hurt by them everyday
I have always have to be seen as a strong man
Havnt cried in three years
It all seems to be bottling up and all coming out over these holidays!
Sorry for bad spelling and what not I'm on my iPod again

day 6 (sorry about bad spelling its lik 2 in the morning)

Love makes us numb

Makes us forgetful and depresed,

but i still seem to long for that one person
siting here in my room and all i can do is think of the life and love i am missing.
i just wish it was easier,
why do we have these feelings when we know it would never work out with that person

love will not save us

love leaves nothing but blood spilling and destruction

love has coursed the scars i have these days
the scars that will never faid
there to deep
to emotionaly attached to me.

i need someone
someone to love me
be with me
someone that can deal with my shit
someone that can be a friend
but most of all
someone who will make me believe in a life that will be better then the one i have now.

Day 5

It all comes to an end
I can feel my actions effecting others
Can we ever stop negative things happening?
Why do we feel like this
Why do I feel like it is time to give up?

Sorry if this is bad using my iPod
Try to keep on loving

day 4

pain is felt by all by that one moment were ur heart gets broken, the pain is huge
the destruction one person has coursed today could change everything,
something i felt was safe has be taken away from me and shall be seen as bad memories from now on,
we all try to see the good in a situation but sometimes it is easier so walk into the darkness,
the abyss,

love shouldnt be tosted around like some other word,

scabs may heal
scars will fade
but a broken heart will never be fixed
how many times can a heart be broken before we are aloud to just give up?
fuck it, i think im done with this,
done with trying to make people like me
done with the shit of others
done with being a nice person

Liz

"moonlight revealed the tree's hidden silhouette. The decaying branches and falling leaves seemed so peaceful and still."

Liz lay comfortably against the aged willow tree, Liz scribbling down its stories and beauty into the notes in her diary, an eerie moan escaped a dark figure approaching from behind the tree ancient body, liz jumped at the abruptness of the noise, demolishing her train of thought and catching her off guard. She breathed heavily and turned around to face the mysterious body.The blurred  figure had a small limp and looked extremly lost almost  as if he was trying to find something but was in the totally wrong area. As he approached Liz, she noticed the flesh peeling of his face, his organs dangling out of an extreme gash from his stomach.

Liz starts to call out to this man, " Are you ok? What is wrong?"

The man spins and locks on to Liz, Starts to charge towards her both arms out screaming, yelling. He had blood and skin falling, dripping from his lips every time he screamed, chunks flying everywhere, all over his tattered and ripped clothing, Liz stumbles back scared of this dead looking man running at her, He was only a few meters away now, Liz could see his dark green eyes, he lunched towards her, sinking his teeth deep into her neck, blood spurting all over, it covered this flesh eating zombies face, Liz felt her heart suddenly beat extremely quickly it wouldn't stop, the zombie bit harder, she struggled tried to push him off but didn't have enough strength, she was pushed back into the dirt surrounding the tree as the zombie lowered his head, started ripping at her rips eating the flesh and meet from each bone, Liz screamed out in pain, kneeing the zombie in the face  but nothing seemed to work the zombie just dug deeper into her warm, bloody body, chomping through organs, shrieking  in between bites, the grass was stained with her blood, her heart started to slow and eventually stopped, suddenly to zombie raised and left the body of Liz to rot.

the zombie stumped on away from the moon lit tree as another mysterious groan came from that direction.

Day 3...

Day 3

I am haunted by the decisions I have made in the past every day,
every night ,
every waking minute.
no matter how many scares, burns or bruises.
The pain from that one question has ruined my life,
everything I do, I now do because of that one day.

I can take getting punched or kicked but contributing to hurting something has destroyed me.
some days I can't deal with life. sitting there life passing by and the one thing I will be remembered for is that one horrible choice.

I am haunted by the decisions I have made so don't act to quickly but don't be to slow and let it all slip away.

Day 2

Day 2

The world we live in is full of pain and sorrow but the emotions we would never be able to enjoy the happier time in our lives.

Death maybe be closing in but it doesn't mean you should waste your last days regretting.

Don't regret anything.

All mistakes lead to something better in life.

Day 1

Jamesy Pants

day 1


With every victory arises a defeat.
It seems that as soon as anyone gets back to the feet another huge, unstoppable object comes speeding towards them just to keep them on the ground.
My life has change dramatically since the events that took place on the 7th/7/2010.
The way I live my life has been destroyed and now controlled from the destructive things that only two people can do.

Make sure you don’t hurt anybody for you don’t know what your actions may do later on in life.
Do not hurt because you are hurting,
Do not strike because you have been struck
Do not push because you have been pushed
Do not ever forget your friends because in the end they are your true and only family.