Holding a hand that wants to be else where

I feel like im holding on

holding on to something that use to make me happy

that dream

that goal

that life

The one i wanted with her

To be happy

to not be scared

to no worry about my scars

But i see it now

the time we dont have

the hours alone

the weeks upset

the life that has slipped away

i feel like im holding onto the dream that she has already let go of

that moment

That moment

when you heart pounds into your throat

when you can feel anything but fear

your mind makes you scared of what your heart could lose

i rush

my eyes flash from side to side

waiting for an answer

for a clue

to find out if its worth being scared

if its worth cutting over

if its worth freaking out for

That moment

when one single answer can change the world as you know it

that one answer that will crush you

bring you lower then ever before.

When did it change
I was so happy
I had so many feelings
And now all it is pain and numbness
I hate it
Life just doesn't feel any good anymore

Time. (kinda big, sorry)

Positions have changed
The pain and worry I put on another
Seem to be pressing against my heart now
I hadn't cut in a few weeks
And due to this weekend
These two fucking days
I'm doing it again
Why can't it just go back
Reverse the clock
Turn back the calendar
Take away the scars
And give me back the one I care about
She is everything to me
But everyday she slips away from me.
Realizing that I'm not worth dealing with
My troubles my opinion, to much to ask anyone to deal with
I just want to be with my girl again
I miss being with her
I miss the little things
Like spooning
And laughing
And singing, damn I miss singing with her so much
Fuck I'm all over the place
I'm not the type to cry
But I feel it coming
I miss you babe.
I miss you so fucking much.

That moment when it all crashes down on your life

I'm so sorry Sean
I didn't even realize it was your day
24-3-11 RIP
I miss you man
I miss drinking and laughing with you
I miss Doing shots of jack
I miss smoking whole packs of smokes with you
I miss you and everything you standed for
Im so sorry I havnt been around to see you yet
Everything has been so busy
I'm so so sorry

I miss the calls
I miss the comfort
I miss her
I miss being the only one
I miss seeing her
I miss trusting her
I miss knowing that she was getting better
I miss feeling good and happy
I'm sorry babe
But you don't even know how I feel ATM
And how I thought you felt about me
Must be wrong.
I hate this
I hate this fucking feeling
But please don't do anything with him
Or at least call and break my heart before you do.

I see it now
I've realized that I've been hiding how I feel for her
I've been avoiding questions and not writing it down
But Ive remembered this is my blog
And I'm happy to say what ever I want on it
I feel hurt
And alone
She's the one thing that makes me feel something
And I'm dieting knowing she is out lying with another guy
Well I hope it's just lying with
I know that my opinion on drugs has changed
And that will make me seem controlling and dick head like
But at this moment in time
I just want to be with her
I want her to be here not with him
I don't care if she was pumping them into her viens right infront of me
Because I'd know she wasn't with him
It may be childish
But in the end
Me and her started
With a simple nice cuddle.

I feel like I can trust her
I feel like I want to trust her
But at the same time
All I can think
Is what there doing
Getting high, drinking
I remember it
I remember him
I remember making out with everyone
But now
I'm sitting here
On the other side
Hoping
Praying
Begging
That she isn't Doing anything
Im gonna sound like such a little shot for not turusting her
But it's just how i feel

Soon it will happen
Soon my fear will be true
Soon my strength will grow
And my feelings with be shattered
Soon it will happen
To soon
To soon

Fuck this

Lost hope

It slips away with out you even noticing
Like a leaf on a tree when the wind blows
It breaks itself away and glides to somebody else
It travels the world in a day
And slowly returns in a year
It sets you up
And then rips you down when it leaves
Life pushes on
Never really as full as what it was before
Before we grew up
Before we felt pain
Before we lost hope
It's out there
Always out there
We just get use to not having it
That we let it leave
We give our hope into others
Through a smile
Or a smoke
We pass it on
Knowing it leaves and brings pain
Sell your soul for it
Give your life for it
Break a home for it
But hope never really does anything
But give fake expectations
Don't listen to me
Don't take my word
Hope is there
I just leave it behind
Due to the pain it has brought me before

I am Nothing but a fucking dead memory

Everybody keeps telling me that it's nOt my fault, that I'm taking responsibility of things I have no control over. That i shouldnt feel guitly, but I do. Everything happens dude to a previous event me missing things causes that. I promis I am here. I just screwed up last night. I'm so sorry. I should have been awake
. I should have tried to help. It's so good that she tried but it's horrible that I lost the opportunity. Idn it's late and I'm tired sorry

I'm freaking out
My mind is racing
Why won't it all stop
Just go away
I'm so sick of feeling this way
Of not being calm or relaxed
Fuck stop
Breath
Just breath
Calm down James
Calm the fuck down
And breath

Fuck feelings
I'm so sick of feeling this way
The worry the guilt the shame
All of it can just leave my heart and let menfeel the way I want to

This song is just playing over and over on my iPod as I cut into my flesh

Mayday parade-terrible things

By the time I was your age I'd give anything to fall in love truly
was all I could think,
that's when I met your mother
the girl of my dreams,
the most beautiful woman that I'd ever seen.
She said boy can I tell you a wonderful thing?
"I can't help but notice you staring at me,
I know I shouldn't say this, but I really believe,
I can tell by your eyes that you're in love with me."
Now son, I'm only telling you this because life can do terrible things.

Now most of the time we'd have too much to drink
and we'd laugh at the stars and share everything.
Too young to notice and too dumb to care,
love was a story that couldn't compare.
I said girl can I tell you a wonderful thing?
"I made you a present with paper and string,
open with care now, I'm asking you please,
{ From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/m/mayday-parade-lyrics/terrible-things-lyrics.html }

you know that I love you,
will you marry me?"
Now son I'm only telling you this because life can do terrible things
you'll learn one day, and I hope and I pray that God shows you differently.

She said boy can I tell you a terrible thing?
"It seems that I'm sick and I've only got weeks.
Please don't be sad now, I really believe,
you were the greatest thing that ever happened to me."

Slow, so slow, I fell to the ground on my knees.

So don't fall in love there's just too much to lose
if you're given the choice, I'm begging you choose to walk away, walk away,
don't let it get you, I can't bare to see the same happen to you.

Now son, I'm only telling you this, because life can do terrible things.

I can't think
I can't sleep
All I can do is feel this way
And even then it's not a feeling
Just saddness and regret

Sometimes we just know when nothing will workout the way we planned them

Nothing is left
Nothing inside
Just blank

Another night

I spoke to tonight about holding off
And now I'm sitting here
Repeating it in my mind
I no the new bigger blade is just under my bed
Waiting for the sweet taste of my skin
Telling me to do it
But I must hold off
I must try
Just wait till I get back
Or wait a few hours
I just have to wait

I want to so bad
I just know I can't
I can't let them see
I can't get the blade
I can't have these thoughts.
But I do