I think it has to... WOW just got a text when i started typing that from the person it was gonna be about, fuck tahts a bit creepy. Anyway ill re start.

I think it has to do with the timing. Ive been through it before, being on both sides of this miserable coin. I thought that it wouldnt bother this much. I thought i was use to it. People leave other peoples lives all the time i just think it was how it happened. I always thought the moment of when we found out we had feeling for eacher would be an amazing moment of sun shine and long green grass but instead it turned into a moment of saddness and regret. The hardest part of knowing that i have to start ignoring her calls and texts is that she was the person i would have told it all about to. i guess its the path my feet are walking and i just need to keep going on that path. If it goes in that direction and our paths cross again then ill be happy with it but i need to swollow the big ball of isolation that it knowing that our paths with never be in line again...

someone to think of.

someone and relax, forget about the bullshit of today and have no worries of the future. No words would have to be spoken just being with them would help me. Having that person to hold hands with or link legs and arms with, Being able to embrace them in a hug would be the world right now. In this very moment. I look out into the world and see people with loads of money, living in huge houses, never having a worry or never going through anything tough and feel as if they are just simply normal people, I am jeolous of those you have someone in there lifes, Someone they can be truely honest to, someone that they can cry to in the middle of the night, That one person would simply is there to be with them. I see these couples and i wish, beg, hope to one day be able to have that same thing. when or if that ever happens i will take every day as a blessing, a moment in which i will truely be happy for the life i have lived and will live with them. So please if your reading this and you have someone like that, The next time you see them go and give them a kiss or a hug, And whisper in there ear "thank you for making my life worth living, You being apart of my story makes me smile every time i wake up and when i fall asleep. It is you that gives me a reason."

Why bother

Why bother

I knew this would happen. At the beginning I told her that when I open up to people they shut them selfs down and stop talking to me... Now she is doing the same. I understand secrets are ment to stay in our heads but I thought me letting her so far in may have changed that. I showed her my marks, she ran her fingers over my battle wounds, she saw my images of surrender, she felt the intents of where I tensed, she brushed over the black hardened blood yet she still doesn't feel good telling me how she feels or what she thinks. She doesn't eat in front of my, she doesn't lay comfy, she just stays with me. Which is a blessing but I see every time she sucks in her stomach. I notice when she fills up on water instead of food. I look when she distracts us to discard food, I notice her and all the things she does to make her feel comfortable in her own skin and she knows I notice yet she can't tell me what makes her upset at night. We all have things we hide. I just wish that I hadn't told her as much so that she wouldn't see me as a wreck but see me as a helper instead. I still remember the first time we truly spoke about life. I still remember the feel of her shaking as she cried in my arms and I still remember the feel of her fingers slowly examining my old scars... I just want it to be back to those nights. When I didn't care that I was tired and looked horrible because you didn't mind it you just wanted to be with me in that moment. I know I need to get ride of these thoughts and I'm trying but she is truly making it hard.

my head is swelling, These thoughts of loss, guilty, missery, tragety and most of all suicide.
Im woken to the ounding of these thoughts and think of them before i begin to slumber. I feel as if i have competely lost myself. Somewhere along the way of my life i just disapeared, I lost my self in the smoke and fog of others and then lost them leaving me with nothing but a shell of regret.

These thoughts of regret soon turn into guilt and push me closer and closer to the idea of suicide. I had this moment when i wasnt close to anyone. I look back and wonder if that was the time i should have died, If that was my moment to finaly surrender and be happy in my tomb of dirt and soil, But now im back to the point of not wanting to hurt someone in my life. I had the chance and like so many others in the past i missed my oppurtunity.

idn im tired and can feel the bandages and blood fusing into scabs.