I look at this page alot these days, thinking of old memories and throughts. longing to just let them all out but i try and type them on here and it all goes to mush. I dont think i have alot of time for anything anymore, let alone time to actually think of my own well being. i think im gonna try and post more but im unsure if ill be able to. Im sorry for those who wait for news, if any, but i will try and keep it going. till my next post no that i am still pushing on, as should the rest of you.

I think it has to... WOW just got a text when i started typing that from the person it was gonna be about, fuck tahts a bit creepy. Anyway ill re start.

I think it has to do with the timing. Ive been through it before, being on both sides of this miserable coin. I thought that it wouldnt bother this much. I thought i was use to it. People leave other peoples lives all the time i just think it was how it happened. I always thought the moment of when we found out we had feeling for eacher would be an amazing moment of sun shine and long green grass but instead it turned into a moment of saddness and regret. The hardest part of knowing that i have to start ignoring her calls and texts is that she was the person i would have told it all about to. i guess its the path my feet are walking and i just need to keep going on that path. If it goes in that direction and our paths cross again then ill be happy with it but i need to swollow the big ball of isolation that it knowing that our paths with never be in line again...

someone to think of.

someone and relax, forget about the bullshit of today and have no worries of the future. No words would have to be spoken just being with them would help me. Having that person to hold hands with or link legs and arms with, Being able to embrace them in a hug would be the world right now. In this very moment. I look out into the world and see people with loads of money, living in huge houses, never having a worry or never going through anything tough and feel as if they are just simply normal people, I am jeolous of those you have someone in there lifes, Someone they can be truely honest to, someone that they can cry to in the middle of the night, That one person would simply is there to be with them. I see these couples and i wish, beg, hope to one day be able to have that same thing. when or if that ever happens i will take every day as a blessing, a moment in which i will truely be happy for the life i have lived and will live with them. So please if your reading this and you have someone like that, The next time you see them go and give them a kiss or a hug, And whisper in there ear "thank you for making my life worth living, You being apart of my story makes me smile every time i wake up and when i fall asleep. It is you that gives me a reason."

Why bother

Why bother

I knew this would happen. At the beginning I told her that when I open up to people they shut them selfs down and stop talking to me... Now she is doing the same. I understand secrets are ment to stay in our heads but I thought me letting her so far in may have changed that. I showed her my marks, she ran her fingers over my battle wounds, she saw my images of surrender, she felt the intents of where I tensed, she brushed over the black hardened blood yet she still doesn't feel good telling me how she feels or what she thinks. She doesn't eat in front of my, she doesn't lay comfy, she just stays with me. Which is a blessing but I see every time she sucks in her stomach. I notice when she fills up on water instead of food. I look when she distracts us to discard food, I notice her and all the things she does to make her feel comfortable in her own skin and she knows I notice yet she can't tell me what makes her upset at night. We all have things we hide. I just wish that I hadn't told her as much so that she wouldn't see me as a wreck but see me as a helper instead. I still remember the first time we truly spoke about life. I still remember the feel of her shaking as she cried in my arms and I still remember the feel of her fingers slowly examining my old scars... I just want it to be back to those nights. When I didn't care that I was tired and looked horrible because you didn't mind it you just wanted to be with me in that moment. I know I need to get ride of these thoughts and I'm trying but she is truly making it hard.

my head is swelling, These thoughts of loss, guilty, missery, tragety and most of all suicide.
Im woken to the ounding of these thoughts and think of them before i begin to slumber. I feel as if i have competely lost myself. Somewhere along the way of my life i just disapeared, I lost my self in the smoke and fog of others and then lost them leaving me with nothing but a shell of regret.

These thoughts of regret soon turn into guilt and push me closer and closer to the idea of suicide. I had this moment when i wasnt close to anyone. I look back and wonder if that was the time i should have died, If that was my moment to finaly surrender and be happy in my tomb of dirt and soil, But now im back to the point of not wanting to hurt someone in my life. I had the chance and like so many others in the past i missed my oppurtunity.

idn im tired and can feel the bandages and blood fusing into scabs.

ive been back at school for only a week now. It already feels like the holidays were months ago. Being stressed with school work and relationship is truely putting its toll on me, But at least its all the same.  I have so much to say but i know that my readers would do better with not reading it. I dont feel the same saftey that i once did on this blog. the people i use to trust with it seem to have either turned they heads against me or away from me. Which is alright, you get use to it. But its the fact that i dont have the freedom to express how i feel on here anymore that is screwing with my mind. I will still try and do posts i just need to be more carful with what i write and produce.

oh well, I plan to head out to the grave site this weekend, Finaly go and see him, I had to need to the other day when i worried for someone who hates me, All i could think was would i still be welcome at the funeral or not, It made me think of it all again of the idea of suicide and friends ship.

fuck it
i cant be bothered wriing anymore, Dont even bother trying to contact me or understand this shit, I got some big stuff to deal with tonight and i dont want any interuptions..

hey, sorry i havnt been posting my blogspot wasnt letting me sign in for the past 2 weeks but im back now and to make up for it ill be trying to do a few posts in this week.

ive been on holidays for a while now, Well i had a whole month off. I havnt really done much which is expected but it gave me alot of time to think about my life. Ive realised that i havnt done anything. i didnt make plans with anyone, No one tried to make plans with me. I havnt seen anyone except the three main people in my life. This has made me realise that there the only ones left, But with that said i have fallen for someone, Shes amazing, gorgous, cute, kind, caring. Everything that i want and need right now. though i fear its gonna turn out the same as with my last relationship. That relationship was a mistake at the start great in the middle and left me broken at the end. So what am i ment to do. Possibly destroy a good friendship if it all goes wrong. I can just talk to her, about anything. We had a big Deep And Meaningful talk the other night and it was good, But i can see that she is already extremly worried about me, I told her things i havnt told anyone else and im still only scrapping the top of it all. She looked at me after i told her stuff. They were these eyes of worry and pity and fear. I want to keep talking to her about it all but i know it will crush her emotional in the end. I really dont wanna do that to someone i care about.

my nights are getting longer and are full with thoughts of my past and future. i do miss alot of people. I miss the thought of having lots of friends. I miss the thought of security and safety, I miss the thought of having people in my life. and most of all i noticed that it was my fault that it all happened. I caused everyone to leave and forget about me. Which is good because it means im not a burden on anyone anymore, It means i can just fade away into nothing, disapear and not have to worry as much about the people in my life because there arnt all that many left.

and on top of all that i just feel dead, there are these moments of nothing but saddnes, For example this morning i went out for my usual wake up smoke and ended up sitting there for thirty minutes looking into the trees. just blank but so down, I didnt think i was worth it. Worth the energy that i was wasting in moving, i just...
i dont even know

anyway
talk soon.