Cigarette burns and coffee stains

Cigarette burns and coffee stains

It all use to be easy. Well easier. I asked my counsellor about what she thought of my life. If she though it was fair. She said everyone has it tough at times but there are only a few who have it as bad as you James, but the difference is that your strong, your resilient.
 but I don't even know Anymore I use to be strong it use to come so easily but now it's all pilling over and life is getting harder. I don't remember the days anymore. I don't remember the convocations I have with people. I don't know who my true friends are and I fear that I'm starting to get closer to people again. I'm not sure what the fuck to do. I just want it all to either go away or for someone to throw it all on the line tell me all the deepest fears so I can get back in the swing of talking to others and pushing through the bull shit that is

i feel morea alone then ever. just trying to find someone,something, anything that will help but even when someone offers to listen i cant speak. i freeze up and lie. telling them that im all good and fine. when really i feel like nothing, just a shell. I honestly am so unsure to why i try. All the reasons to keep pushing are gone. I use to have a reason to try, i use to think there was something better. Now i just dont know. After it all getting worse you start to forget what was good. It all just ends. leaves you with nothing. i hate it. so much. yet for some reason im still here, alone and tired of everything

What do you know. I was right.
fuck
im so fucking sick of his shit
you cant trust anyone
not even someone special to you
someone you think will be there for ages
i know that it all started in a rush of bullshit and fuck ups
but it was diffrent.

there are reasons why i dont open up to people and you just proved my point completly

soz about the spelling. i dont care about it anymore.

It's the little things that get me now
Little things. Stuff that doesn't or may not even do with me.
Everything has just been so crazy. There's no time to think so my mind is spinning out of control and the smallest stuff set me back weeks. Talking to my cousin we today about kids set me back ages. All day felt like shit. Also talking about jacquie to her didn't help. Now a simply little relationship status change on Facebook and I wonder if it's to do with her. If what she told me was a lie just to be with him. I think I would have liked the truth alot more then what I got. Oh well I don't have the time to care anymore. It's time for booze and blades, nothing else

i cant do this much longer.

Old habits die hard.

I froze again.I should have been stronger I should have asked more I should have told her everything. Now I'm here lying to everyone that asks. It's just naturally what I do. Going through pain is something I like to hide. It's just so hard when the person you love tells you that she can't be with you due to her slowly wanting to kill herself, to not leave the house, the smoke up and burn out, die in a haze of weed and tabs. I didn't know what to say so I froze then sat there in the grass soaking up the sun whilst watching her walk out of my life. I sat there and clutched my key, the one that hung from her neck. I waited for her to look back to turn around to say that she had screwed up and did love me.

I think it's time to drink and smoke till I decide what's my next step.

Today has been one of the hardest days of my life.
I had one of the biggest talks about how I truely feel.
My sister suggested that I kill myself and on top of the pill of shit that is my life.
The girl who is the only thing that makes me wanna hold on to the idea of happiness is about to break up with me. I want to rip apart my skin. I want to slice out my heart. I wantto cry and call and try to fix everything. I want more time to tell her. I wish I had told her before. I love her so much and I Cant tell her. I will never get that chance. She said Otto me and I told her I couldn't say It back for other reasons. I'd love to know why she doesn't want to be with me anymore. It's all pileing up. I am so sick of being alone. Of not being happy. Of being pushed away from everyone over and over. The want to die is becoming higher. I don't know how much I can do. I just want to fall asleep and never wake up. I want the pain and regret to leave my life alone. I don't even understand it anymore. Why does it all have to just fuck itself every time. I opened up and now I'm being shut down even more.

Everyday

Everyday its getting worse. Life is just horrible. I honestly don't know how much longer I can go on. Everyday I wonder about it. Other then friends and family being upset nothing would change if I killed myself. All the stress. All the being alone. All the guilt and regret suddenly gone from my life. That idea of never feeling anything again is turning into a dream instead of an idea. I guess its a good thing that I don't have anyone anymore then. Means I would have anything to hold be back or make me change my mind if I do decide to. I will still think of the important people in my life. It just seems good. I truly hate being me. The smallest things will set me off these days.make me what to cut and cry. The worst thing is that I have truly no one to tell. I feel so isolated. So alone. No one even tries to talk to me anymore. It's like if disconnected from the world. I even tried to explain it to Paula and it seemed like she ignored it as well. How can I scream for help when no one will even hear me talk.