I look at this page alot these days, thinking of old memories and throughts. longing to just let them all out but i try and type them on here and it all goes to mush. I dont think i have alot of time for anything anymore, let alone time to actually think of my own well being. i think im gonna try and post more but im unsure if ill be able to. Im sorry for those who wait for news, if any, but i will try and keep it going. till my next post no that i am still pushing on, as should the rest of you.

I think it has to... WOW just got a text when i started typing that from the person it was gonna be about, fuck tahts a bit creepy. Anyway ill re start.

I think it has to do with the timing. Ive been through it before, being on both sides of this miserable coin. I thought that it wouldnt bother this much. I thought i was use to it. People leave other peoples lives all the time i just think it was how it happened. I always thought the moment of when we found out we had feeling for eacher would be an amazing moment of sun shine and long green grass but instead it turned into a moment of saddness and regret. The hardest part of knowing that i have to start ignoring her calls and texts is that she was the person i would have told it all about to. i guess its the path my feet are walking and i just need to keep going on that path. If it goes in that direction and our paths cross again then ill be happy with it but i need to swollow the big ball of isolation that it knowing that our paths with never be in line again...

someone to think of.

someone and relax, forget about the bullshit of today and have no worries of the future. No words would have to be spoken just being with them would help me. Having that person to hold hands with or link legs and arms with, Being able to embrace them in a hug would be the world right now. In this very moment. I look out into the world and see people with loads of money, living in huge houses, never having a worry or never going through anything tough and feel as if they are just simply normal people, I am jeolous of those you have someone in there lifes, Someone they can be truely honest to, someone that they can cry to in the middle of the night, That one person would simply is there to be with them. I see these couples and i wish, beg, hope to one day be able to have that same thing. when or if that ever happens i will take every day as a blessing, a moment in which i will truely be happy for the life i have lived and will live with them. So please if your reading this and you have someone like that, The next time you see them go and give them a kiss or a hug, And whisper in there ear "thank you for making my life worth living, You being apart of my story makes me smile every time i wake up and when i fall asleep. It is you that gives me a reason."

Why bother

Why bother

I knew this would happen. At the beginning I told her that when I open up to people they shut them selfs down and stop talking to me... Now she is doing the same. I understand secrets are ment to stay in our heads but I thought me letting her so far in may have changed that. I showed her my marks, she ran her fingers over my battle wounds, she saw my images of surrender, she felt the intents of where I tensed, she brushed over the black hardened blood yet she still doesn't feel good telling me how she feels or what she thinks. She doesn't eat in front of my, she doesn't lay comfy, she just stays with me. Which is a blessing but I see every time she sucks in her stomach. I notice when she fills up on water instead of food. I look when she distracts us to discard food, I notice her and all the things she does to make her feel comfortable in her own skin and she knows I notice yet she can't tell me what makes her upset at night. We all have things we hide. I just wish that I hadn't told her as much so that she wouldn't see me as a wreck but see me as a helper instead. I still remember the first time we truly spoke about life. I still remember the feel of her shaking as she cried in my arms and I still remember the feel of her fingers slowly examining my old scars... I just want it to be back to those nights. When I didn't care that I was tired and looked horrible because you didn't mind it you just wanted to be with me in that moment. I know I need to get ride of these thoughts and I'm trying but she is truly making it hard.

my head is swelling, These thoughts of loss, guilty, missery, tragety and most of all suicide.
Im woken to the ounding of these thoughts and think of them before i begin to slumber. I feel as if i have competely lost myself. Somewhere along the way of my life i just disapeared, I lost my self in the smoke and fog of others and then lost them leaving me with nothing but a shell of regret.

These thoughts of regret soon turn into guilt and push me closer and closer to the idea of suicide. I had this moment when i wasnt close to anyone. I look back and wonder if that was the time i should have died, If that was my moment to finaly surrender and be happy in my tomb of dirt and soil, But now im back to the point of not wanting to hurt someone in my life. I had the chance and like so many others in the past i missed my oppurtunity.

idn im tired and can feel the bandages and blood fusing into scabs.

ive been back at school for only a week now. It already feels like the holidays were months ago. Being stressed with school work and relationship is truely putting its toll on me, But at least its all the same.  I have so much to say but i know that my readers would do better with not reading it. I dont feel the same saftey that i once did on this blog. the people i use to trust with it seem to have either turned they heads against me or away from me. Which is alright, you get use to it. But its the fact that i dont have the freedom to express how i feel on here anymore that is screwing with my mind. I will still try and do posts i just need to be more carful with what i write and produce.

oh well, I plan to head out to the grave site this weekend, Finaly go and see him, I had to need to the other day when i worried for someone who hates me, All i could think was would i still be welcome at the funeral or not, It made me think of it all again of the idea of suicide and friends ship.

fuck it
i cant be bothered wriing anymore, Dont even bother trying to contact me or understand this shit, I got some big stuff to deal with tonight and i dont want any interuptions..

hey, sorry i havnt been posting my blogspot wasnt letting me sign in for the past 2 weeks but im back now and to make up for it ill be trying to do a few posts in this week.

ive been on holidays for a while now, Well i had a whole month off. I havnt really done much which is expected but it gave me alot of time to think about my life. Ive realised that i havnt done anything. i didnt make plans with anyone, No one tried to make plans with me. I havnt seen anyone except the three main people in my life. This has made me realise that there the only ones left, But with that said i have fallen for someone, Shes amazing, gorgous, cute, kind, caring. Everything that i want and need right now. though i fear its gonna turn out the same as with my last relationship. That relationship was a mistake at the start great in the middle and left me broken at the end. So what am i ment to do. Possibly destroy a good friendship if it all goes wrong. I can just talk to her, about anything. We had a big Deep And Meaningful talk the other night and it was good, But i can see that she is already extremly worried about me, I told her things i havnt told anyone else and im still only scrapping the top of it all. She looked at me after i told her stuff. They were these eyes of worry and pity and fear. I want to keep talking to her about it all but i know it will crush her emotional in the end. I really dont wanna do that to someone i care about.

my nights are getting longer and are full with thoughts of my past and future. i do miss alot of people. I miss the thought of having lots of friends. I miss the thought of security and safety, I miss the thought of having people in my life. and most of all i noticed that it was my fault that it all happened. I caused everyone to leave and forget about me. Which is good because it means im not a burden on anyone anymore, It means i can just fade away into nothing, disapear and not have to worry as much about the people in my life because there arnt all that many left.

and on top of all that i just feel dead, there are these moments of nothing but saddnes, For example this morning i went out for my usual wake up smoke and ended up sitting there for thirty minutes looking into the trees. just blank but so down, I didnt think i was worth it. Worth the energy that i was wasting in moving, i just...
i dont even know

anyway
talk soon.

maybe its all coz my sleeping is fucked. I dont sleep at all at night these days. I usely finaly fall asleep around 6am-8am but then wake at around 5 but this past week its just been about an hour of sleep then im woken again. just trying to sleep gives me this moment of silence, Of time to think and thats when it all goes bad. Im worried of what will happen if i turn of my music and just rest…

dont bother reading just a waste (doesnt make much sense)

just keep breathing. Hold off, you dont need to do with, just hold off, not another night, Dont do it again, You can wait another day, just keep breathing. relax you dont need to. Think of something else. stop letting your emotions get the better of you james. i need to learn to control myself. I cant keep going, but i have to try. Calm down, just keep it going dont do this. Please go just one night with out it. I know i can but.. its just so fucked. i have these bursts of emotions these days. Where things come out or my mind starts to race and all i wanna do is… their is someone close to me now someone i can talk to. But im so scared, so cut off, stuck in this habit of not talking, not expressing it. I just keep getting these flooding moments of emotions. Things i felt years ago or small things that make me go silent and rock back n forth. i need to calm down and just breath. sorry for the rant just not feeling it noww.

some people just anouy me these days.

i know that the person that this next post is about is gonna read this but atm its true and for that im sorry

ok theres this girl, a girl i use to care about alot. I still do care but we arnt close anymore. The only time we talk is after i post something. Like when i said i wanted someone to talk to a few weeks back the next day she spoke to me expecting me to open up to her, But it doesnt work that way and after my last post she posted saying i ignore the people who care. Even though i dont think she can count her self one of them. She might still care im not questioning that. Its that she expects me to tell her stuff when she doesnt try to connect to me. I havnt gotten a text from her in ages, A call even longer. Havnt seen her im months and i know that its mostly my fault but it doesnt mean that ill still spill my guts and thoughts to someone who i dont talk to. I wish we could still be close but i know that it will never happen. I screwed things up to bad with her and that tention will always be there, If i had acted on it earlier things may have been diffrent but i had other and bigger things to be worring about and trying to fix at the time. Stuff that still isnt finished and i fear never will be.

so to sum it all up. Im sorry for how things are but dont say i ignore people when you dont even try to talk to me. a message here and there doesnt count. Like i said it has been ages since any kind of contact.

i feel like ive lost my way to write. I use to be pretty good at keeping up and up dating this blog alot but these days theres just to much. Theres no where to start. New feelings and issues, it all seems to just be building up. Im sorry for letting everyone down. Not just my friends or family but the people who read these or give me a reason to let out my emotions.

A close friend of mine told me i shouldnt bottle my emotions up and that i need a way to let it go, But i fear that if i do that ill be stuck the same possition i was a little while back. Being worried of what they thought. Them not telling me anything which made it so much worse and most of it forces me to actually think about my life.

Right now i am almost two weeks into holidays and this is a bad thing. One because it means that my holidays are almost over and two because it means i have time to myself. My scars have doubled, I cut deeper these days and feel less from them. Its like theres no response. Noone wanting to help or even caring that i do these things anymore.

i just..

like i said i earlier i dont even no where to start.

It's just pain these days. It seems to be nothing but sorrow and pain. I'm trying to figure it all out. This balance of life and pain. Should I keep going on faking it all but falling about on the inside or is it the best idea to finally, find someone and just open up to them. I've been dieing to tell someone. I wish someone would smell the hidden sent of blood on my shirts and just stop me, and actually talk to me about my life. Maybe looking at old friends would be the best idea if I had any still around. I'm so sick of feeling this way. Why will someone not just ask me honestly how I was...

I don't even know what to say so ill make it a bit dot pointed aye.
Nothing is going well.
Life is just a pill of shit.
I cut more and more these days.
Nothing but feeling numb
I wake up in the morning, sit on my bed and just stare into nothing. Thinking of how another day of shit is about to happen.

i dont think id ever feel this alone.
Every on has truely left my life, close friends, girlfriends, family members.
i have noone to turn to.
I new that what i did with my ex was fucked, it was wrong and i knew that even when being with her, But it was good. i felt finaly happy with her. then it all went wrong. i thought it was only me, her and calum but now i see it has messed everything up alot more then just the three of us. i never thought id loose her, of all people i thought erin was the one who would have stayed with me, of course i was wrong and it had been taht way for a while now, i never thought she would hate me and that started me beginging of my shitty night, things did change it turned nice when we remember everything and figured out that be both liked eachother back then, but its all diffrent now, i lost my close friend, and possible the girl i was always ment to be with.

The need to rip into my flesh is rising. I don't know what to do.

I need someone right fucking now. I'm freaking out holy crap. I called her with no answer she said she would be there for me and I need her now or someone anyone just need contact need someone else to call to contact to answer fuck. I can't fucking keep doing this anymore

Cigarette burns and coffee stains

Cigarette burns and coffee stains

It all use to be easy. Well easier. I asked my counsellor about what she thought of my life. If she though it was fair. She said everyone has it tough at times but there are only a few who have it as bad as you James, but the difference is that your strong, your resilient.
 but I don't even know Anymore I use to be strong it use to come so easily but now it's all pilling over and life is getting harder. I don't remember the days anymore. I don't remember the convocations I have with people. I don't know who my true friends are and I fear that I'm starting to get closer to people again. I'm not sure what the fuck to do. I just want it all to either go away or for someone to throw it all on the line tell me all the deepest fears so I can get back in the swing of talking to others and pushing through the bull shit that is

i feel morea alone then ever. just trying to find someone,something, anything that will help but even when someone offers to listen i cant speak. i freeze up and lie. telling them that im all good and fine. when really i feel like nothing, just a shell. I honestly am so unsure to why i try. All the reasons to keep pushing are gone. I use to have a reason to try, i use to think there was something better. Now i just dont know. After it all getting worse you start to forget what was good. It all just ends. leaves you with nothing. i hate it. so much. yet for some reason im still here, alone and tired of everything

What do you know. I was right.
fuck
im so fucking sick of his shit
you cant trust anyone
not even someone special to you
someone you think will be there for ages
i know that it all started in a rush of bullshit and fuck ups
but it was diffrent.

there are reasons why i dont open up to people and you just proved my point completly

soz about the spelling. i dont care about it anymore.

It's the little things that get me now
Little things. Stuff that doesn't or may not even do with me.
Everything has just been so crazy. There's no time to think so my mind is spinning out of control and the smallest stuff set me back weeks. Talking to my cousin we today about kids set me back ages. All day felt like shit. Also talking about jacquie to her didn't help. Now a simply little relationship status change on Facebook and I wonder if it's to do with her. If what she told me was a lie just to be with him. I think I would have liked the truth alot more then what I got. Oh well I don't have the time to care anymore. It's time for booze and blades, nothing else

i cant do this much longer.

Old habits die hard.

I froze again.I should have been stronger I should have asked more I should have told her everything. Now I'm here lying to everyone that asks. It's just naturally what I do. Going through pain is something I like to hide. It's just so hard when the person you love tells you that she can't be with you due to her slowly wanting to kill herself, to not leave the house, the smoke up and burn out, die in a haze of weed and tabs. I didn't know what to say so I froze then sat there in the grass soaking up the sun whilst watching her walk out of my life. I sat there and clutched my key, the one that hung from her neck. I waited for her to look back to turn around to say that she had screwed up and did love me.

I think it's time to drink and smoke till I decide what's my next step.

Today has been one of the hardest days of my life.
I had one of the biggest talks about how I truely feel.
My sister suggested that I kill myself and on top of the pill of shit that is my life.
The girl who is the only thing that makes me wanna hold on to the idea of happiness is about to break up with me. I want to rip apart my skin. I want to slice out my heart. I wantto cry and call and try to fix everything. I want more time to tell her. I wish I had told her before. I love her so much and I Cant tell her. I will never get that chance. She said Otto me and I told her I couldn't say It back for other reasons. I'd love to know why she doesn't want to be with me anymore. It's all pileing up. I am so sick of being alone. Of not being happy. Of being pushed away from everyone over and over. The want to die is becoming higher. I don't know how much I can do. I just want to fall asleep and never wake up. I want the pain and regret to leave my life alone. I don't even understand it anymore. Why does it all have to just fuck itself every time. I opened up and now I'm being shut down even more.

Everyday

Everyday its getting worse. Life is just horrible. I honestly don't know how much longer I can go on. Everyday I wonder about it. Other then friends and family being upset nothing would change if I killed myself. All the stress. All the being alone. All the guilt and regret suddenly gone from my life. That idea of never feeling anything again is turning into a dream instead of an idea. I guess its a good thing that I don't have anyone anymore then. Means I would have anything to hold be back or make me change my mind if I do decide to. I will still think of the important people in my life. It just seems good. I truly hate being me. The smallest things will set me off these days.make me what to cut and cry. The worst thing is that I have truly no one to tell. I feel so isolated. So alone. No one even tries to talk to me anymore. It's like if disconnected from the world. I even tried to explain it to Paula and it seemed like she ignored it as well. How can I scream for help when no one will even hear me talk.

200th post

This is my 200th post, and i feel that alot of my story is on this website. It seems to me that there is a recurring theme. This theme of suicide and depression. I don't know why but as I look back I see it's always been there. The self harm the want to die. Not always in my self but always around. Even from 5 years ago with my friend. I remember taking him to the counselor. I walked in thinking of trying to help him and now I see that same counselor twice a week. Then it was more close friends then year 9 first person that really needed help he had attempted to kill himself loads of times but my friend liv pured everything she had into helping him. Then year ten and bam Sean had killed himself. I don't know why I'm saying all this. I just can't help but feel that there is no escape that this theme of my story will always be there. Which is fine. Just curious why. These days I've been feeling the same way alot of my suicide friends said. Alone,tired, upset. Just wanting to give up. I now worry that I have already given up on it all and am just waiting for the right time.

I simply don't know anymore. Truely lost

nothing new

I feel like nothing
just a shell
a peice of dirt, worthless, alone
circling this world of darkness.

I dont get it. I just dont seem to matter anymore. Before it was diffrent but now. Now i feel like nothing.
i sit at home and wait. Wait for someone for anything to talk to me. To call me, To pull me out of my mind for a little while because i dont know how much longer i can survive in here. I use to think that i would never kill myself because i had people who needed me. Now there is no one. No calls no texts to sigh of life. I guess it was them needing me that made me need them.

blades of grass, (poem)

The moonlight pured its  way down into the valley where we lay
The light beamed over us Like a warm blanket
covering us up from the world but letting us see eachother in a new light
The grass wrapped around our limbs
blowing in the wind
begging to intangle us into the soil
it was warm it was safe
it was our home.
Over time it changed
The moon drifted away
and the Light slipped away in an instand
The grass weaved its way around our bodies
being our cascet.
It began to pull us down
into the land
to hopfully give back to the ground we knew as home
it pulled us apart till only our finger tips could touch.
Slowly we gave our life to the ground
the grass kept growing
creating the wall inpetween us
The long green blades pulled her away
leaving me to lay there alone in the dark
trying to fight of the enevetable.
Deep in my slumber
i fell six feet under.

I'm trying to understand
I call everyday
I text every few hours
I think of you every minute
But there is no reply
Last night
I send you a text
A text that would make me run if it was from you
That would make me call
And come
And try to help
But yet no reply
I told you how i felt even when you weren't there
I havnt told anyone of these thoughts
You are the first
And still nothing
Maybe kill ing myself wouldn't be such a bad idea after all.

People keep telling me to walk away
that i need to take care of myself
but they dont understand
im a fighter
i dont just give up
ive been through shit and am still here
ive done it all before
ive taken care of people like her before
why do people keep telling me to look after myself
ive done this shit before.

Im sick of it
so fucking sick of it all. The constant anger and worry. i just dont understand
how many times can someone say they are sorry and still go and make the same mistake
i dont fucking understand it anymore
When will this shit end
When will i see her agian
When will i actually get to hear the bloody truth
Fucking hell. SO fucking sick of it all!!!!!!

find the key... Poem stuff

I had nothing else to write. So i thought i would try to write another poem. Sorry if it isnt any good.
They lay there.
In there warmth
getting lost in dreams and ideas
falling ever so slowly
deeper and deeper into the world of nothing. Into the world of everything
It is from this world where it all begins.
Your heart pounds a little faster.

Your mind races
your eyes dart back and forth as you watch.
Watch the birds fly and be so free
floading, gliding , Slicing through every cloud
They saw and fall going by there normal life
as we sit and stare. Wishing to do the same.

To fly away
To be lifted from these chains
Tearing. Pulling,
at the iron that binds us here

We lay there falling ever deeper
Into the world that we long for
into the story of wish to read
into the life we almost had.
You stand there
staring at what you see

yet not realising the strenght and beauty it holds
not alowing your mind to run wild
to be free
to step out from the cage you call saftey
let it go
let it fly
get the key and release yourself
from the weights that hold you down

the weights you call regret and guilt
throw them away
leave but dont run
never imprase the feeling of fear
but fight the enemies that frighten you

Look up to the sky when you wake
look deep into the colours
into the ever flowing clouds
look further
Through the blue blanket that covers you
And maybe you will find it

find your freedom
find the oppertunity to life your life
to fight for your beliefs
to understand the world
and to notice every colour you see.

Again im sorry if this isnt good. just felt like giving it ago.

music and old books

Sitting here. In front of the computer.
I sit here listening to the words of suicde and reading of happier times. If i was going to do it, End it all. Finaly get rid of all the pain and sorrow in my life. Now is when i would do it.
I cant help but read them. trying to hold on to the past. The time that made me smile. That made me feel good.
"and you feel my scars and I think that maybe I don’t need to hurt myself anymore."

words of life, Of hope. Nothing lasts forever. I knew that from the start. Yet i still tried
i tried so hard. I just dont know if it was the best idea. It was all so diffrent. all so knew. I finaly opened my heart and now it has closed even further.

"I like your hugs
and your kisses
and your laugh
and your smile
and your warmth
and I miss you"

How long should someone hold on to something that leaves them in pain? Its this question that i cant stop thinking. At first i thought it was to do with her. Now i realise it is to do with it all. Another peice of a puzzle. The puzzle that left me with paper cuts and brocken bones.

"I dont care about anything that you seem to see as a ‘problem’ about yourself. I want you, i need you."

i dont know if fighting is the right plan. if fighting for my life is the thing to do. If fighting for my dream. If fighting for this. If fighting against the depression or fear. Im so unsure if its worth it anymore.

"I miss you, and I want to be with you, and right now you make me happier than I've been in a long time."

Theres one memory. One simple thing that happened with out plan. With out guidense. I remember lying with her. On her soft bed, resting my head on her pillows and she rested hers on my chest. I lay there reading one of her books. This A4 spiral bound books. All about her life when she was in year eight. Understanding her struggle and beging to realise her true strength. That moment when i knew it was alright. I remember sliding my hand down to her arm and feeling over her scars. I remember it feeling perfect. Thats why i see her as perfect. she was mine in that moment. Just us with no shame or regret. No guilt and sorrow. Thats why i fight. Thats why i still call her. Thats why i dont leave or run. That moment plays over and over in my head. it was that moment that i noticed my smile. i noticed my life. It was because of her that i began to smile again.

i understand that im nothing special. Im nothing at all compaired to how amazing she truely is. So i understand when she wants to leave me. When i cant get through on the phone. When she is with other people. Thats why it makes it so hard to sit back and watch the person you dream of walk away.

Thats why i sit here reading old memorys and listening to sad music.

"I might love you"

Being pulled in half
Torn in different directions
Being ripped from side to side
What do I do
Do I do what's best for me
Or do i hold on to the hope that it will work
Idn I'm tired
And so fucking annoyed and pissed
And so hurt and alone
She lays with him whilst I sit and hope for a text

deeper everyday
deeper and deeper
trying not to reach out
trying to avoid getting help
but today
tonight
now
its diffrent
these ones worried me abit
these four that are still bleeding
and i reached out
i tried to call for help
someone to tell
but with no reply
i now sit here
talking about how i feel like shit
how i feel horrible
and numb
I understand
its late for someone to pick up the phone
but i see it now
i realise that even if she did pick up
what would change
i would still be numb and dead
id still be bleeding
i would still be alone
in this dark place
with no light at the end
with no salvation
just me
,my bloody blade
and a pile of red tissues.

Fuck it

I want to bleed
I want to cry
I want to scream
I want to yell
I want to be bruised and beaten
I want to fucking hurt something
I want to hurt
I don't even know my own life anymore
And I don't know why I keep pushing to live
You said I don't post anymore it's because it makes me realize how I truely feel
And At the moment
I just want to be cutting
Always cutting
I want to sleep forever
And never wake
I want to be done with everything
All the issues everything is just so fucked

Fuck it

I want to bleed
I want to cry
I want to scream
I want to yell
I want to be bruised and beaten
I want to fucking hurt something
I want to hurt
I don't even know my own life anymore
And I don't know why I keep pushing to live
You said I don't post anymore it's because it makes me realize how I truely feel
And At the moment
I just want to be cutting
Always cutting
I want to sleep forever
And never wake
I want to be done with everything
All the issues everything is just so fucked

Its fading
i still feel the same, i feel more
but its fading from her

Holding a hand that wants to be else where

I feel like im holding on

holding on to something that use to make me happy

that dream

that goal

that life

The one i wanted with her

To be happy

to not be scared

to no worry about my scars

But i see it now

the time we dont have

the hours alone

the weeks upset

the life that has slipped away

i feel like im holding onto the dream that she has already let go of

that moment

That moment

when you heart pounds into your throat

when you can feel anything but fear

your mind makes you scared of what your heart could lose

i rush

my eyes flash from side to side

waiting for an answer

for a clue

to find out if its worth being scared

if its worth cutting over

if its worth freaking out for

That moment

when one single answer can change the world as you know it

that one answer that will crush you

bring you lower then ever before.

When did it change
I was so happy
I had so many feelings
And now all it is pain and numbness
I hate it
Life just doesn't feel any good anymore

Time. (kinda big, sorry)

Positions have changed
The pain and worry I put on another
Seem to be pressing against my heart now
I hadn't cut in a few weeks
And due to this weekend
These two fucking days
I'm doing it again
Why can't it just go back
Reverse the clock
Turn back the calendar
Take away the scars
And give me back the one I care about
She is everything to me
But everyday she slips away from me.
Realizing that I'm not worth dealing with
My troubles my opinion, to much to ask anyone to deal with
I just want to be with my girl again
I miss being with her
I miss the little things
Like spooning
And laughing
And singing, damn I miss singing with her so much
Fuck I'm all over the place
I'm not the type to cry
But I feel it coming
I miss you babe.
I miss you so fucking much.

That moment when it all crashes down on your life

I'm so sorry Sean
I didn't even realize it was your day
24-3-11 RIP
I miss you man
I miss drinking and laughing with you
I miss Doing shots of jack
I miss smoking whole packs of smokes with you
I miss you and everything you standed for
Im so sorry I havnt been around to see you yet
Everything has been so busy
I'm so so sorry

I miss the calls
I miss the comfort
I miss her
I miss being the only one
I miss seeing her
I miss trusting her
I miss knowing that she was getting better
I miss feeling good and happy
I'm sorry babe
But you don't even know how I feel ATM
And how I thought you felt about me
Must be wrong.
I hate this
I hate this fucking feeling
But please don't do anything with him
Or at least call and break my heart before you do.

I see it now
I've realized that I've been hiding how I feel for her
I've been avoiding questions and not writing it down
But Ive remembered this is my blog
And I'm happy to say what ever I want on it
I feel hurt
And alone
She's the one thing that makes me feel something
And I'm dieting knowing she is out lying with another guy
Well I hope it's just lying with
I know that my opinion on drugs has changed
And that will make me seem controlling and dick head like
But at this moment in time
I just want to be with her
I want her to be here not with him
I don't care if she was pumping them into her viens right infront of me
Because I'd know she wasn't with him
It may be childish
But in the end
Me and her started
With a simple nice cuddle.

I feel like I can trust her
I feel like I want to trust her
But at the same time
All I can think
Is what there doing
Getting high, drinking
I remember it
I remember him
I remember making out with everyone
But now
I'm sitting here
On the other side
Hoping
Praying
Begging
That she isn't Doing anything
Im gonna sound like such a little shot for not turusting her
But it's just how i feel

Soon it will happen
Soon my fear will be true
Soon my strength will grow
And my feelings with be shattered
Soon it will happen
To soon
To soon

Fuck this

Lost hope

It slips away with out you even noticing
Like a leaf on a tree when the wind blows
It breaks itself away and glides to somebody else
It travels the world in a day
And slowly returns in a year
It sets you up
And then rips you down when it leaves
Life pushes on
Never really as full as what it was before
Before we grew up
Before we felt pain
Before we lost hope
It's out there
Always out there
We just get use to not having it
That we let it leave
We give our hope into others
Through a smile
Or a smoke
We pass it on
Knowing it leaves and brings pain
Sell your soul for it
Give your life for it
Break a home for it
But hope never really does anything
But give fake expectations
Don't listen to me
Don't take my word
Hope is there
I just leave it behind
Due to the pain it has brought me before

I am Nothing but a fucking dead memory

Everybody keeps telling me that it's nOt my fault, that I'm taking responsibility of things I have no control over. That i shouldnt feel guitly, but I do. Everything happens dude to a previous event me missing things causes that. I promis I am here. I just screwed up last night. I'm so sorry. I should have been awake
. I should have tried to help. It's so good that she tried but it's horrible that I lost the opportunity. Idn it's late and I'm tired sorry

I'm freaking out
My mind is racing
Why won't it all stop
Just go away
I'm so sick of feeling this way
Of not being calm or relaxed
Fuck stop
Breath
Just breath
Calm down James
Calm the fuck down
And breath

Fuck feelings
I'm so sick of feeling this way
The worry the guilt the shame
All of it can just leave my heart and let menfeel the way I want to

This song is just playing over and over on my iPod as I cut into my flesh

Mayday parade-terrible things

By the time I was your age I'd give anything to fall in love truly
was all I could think,
that's when I met your mother
the girl of my dreams,
the most beautiful woman that I'd ever seen.
She said boy can I tell you a wonderful thing?
"I can't help but notice you staring at me,
I know I shouldn't say this, but I really believe,
I can tell by your eyes that you're in love with me."
Now son, I'm only telling you this because life can do terrible things.

Now most of the time we'd have too much to drink
and we'd laugh at the stars and share everything.
Too young to notice and too dumb to care,
love was a story that couldn't compare.
I said girl can I tell you a wonderful thing?
"I made you a present with paper and string,
open with care now, I'm asking you please,
{ From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/m/mayday-parade-lyrics/terrible-things-lyrics.html }

you know that I love you,
will you marry me?"
Now son I'm only telling you this because life can do terrible things
you'll learn one day, and I hope and I pray that God shows you differently.

She said boy can I tell you a terrible thing?
"It seems that I'm sick and I've only got weeks.
Please don't be sad now, I really believe,
you were the greatest thing that ever happened to me."

Slow, so slow, I fell to the ground on my knees.

So don't fall in love there's just too much to lose
if you're given the choice, I'm begging you choose to walk away, walk away,
don't let it get you, I can't bare to see the same happen to you.

Now son, I'm only telling you this, because life can do terrible things.

I can't think
I can't sleep
All I can do is feel this way
And even then it's not a feeling
Just saddness and regret

Sometimes we just know when nothing will workout the way we planned them

Nothing is left
Nothing inside
Just blank

Another night

I spoke to tonight about holding off
And now I'm sitting here
Repeating it in my mind
I no the new bigger blade is just under my bed
Waiting for the sweet taste of my skin
Telling me to do it
But I must hold off
I must try
Just wait till I get back
Or wait a few hours
I just have to wait

I want to so bad
I just know I can't
I can't let them see
I can't get the blade
I can't have these thoughts.
But I do

my head is pounding into my skull, so much movement yet no thoughts. I feel like i had a good day. alot of stress but thats like everyday but now,now i just want to fade away, to escape. my eyes are weak. They keep falling and weeping. Not a full on cry i dont cry, they just weep, with pain and regret. It spills out of my eyes and mouth. flooding the world with my infection. the sickness i try to hide and now im being asked to let go and tell someone, to show them my regrets and lies, my truths and pains. my life on paper. I cant think straight. i feel lifeless,nothing but a shell

im sorry if this is poop but thats how i feel
i feel dead, compeltly gone.

oblivion Of the oblivious

officaily lost

Completily gone

Never to return

just a trail of smoke and ash

a man of stone

with no pain

cut off from the world

No need to come back

forever gone

never to change again

Thats what i have become.

I've fallen into my oblivion

I was away for to long

And left you to suffer

I need something to be real

And bleeding is the clostest thing

Please save me from this darkness that is my mind

 So many things i need to tell you.

Far from here with more room to shine

 Every day it seems to get harder to push on
I always will, I can just feel this darkness spreading
I'm worried that I have more triggers now. Triggers that I'll never truly figure out. These things in my day to day life make It so much harder. I feel so alone. So lifeless
My energy has fallen and all I do is sleep. I wish I wasn't like this, I want to be me again, the happy protective James that made sure everyone was ok before even starting to think about myself, I was the advice giver, the one they came to. Now I'm nothing, a shadow of the true me, and I think you've noticed, I wish I was stronger for you, I wish you could tell me everything, I wish you wouldn't have to worry. 

I just need to keep smiling 

How can I explain it to her. I've told her so much in the past five years but never this.
It's all getting harder yet easier. I havnt cut myself in a few days but it's not by choice.
I need knew and bigger blades. So I can go deeper and bleed more and cut it out
But how can I tell her, she's been through it all. I'm not her first patient to selfharm but she says I'm important to her. How am I ment to explain to her
The want
The need
The crave
When she cares so much, she's so important, I wouldnt be here if she hadn't helped me out
But I don't want to make her change her mind. I don't want her to flake
And I'm worried that she will flake and she will get scared

I'm confused about all of this and yet know there is only to options
I either don't tall about it or spill my guts to her

Time tickets by as I stay here and lie

I want to go deeper
Yet I no it's wrong
I want to bleed
Yet not scab
I want to have huge scars that cover me
Yet not be the reasons to worry anyone
I want to feel good
Yet still feel in controle
I want to tell the truth
Yet beable to keep living
I want to make you smile
Yet still know I can tell you my troubles

I need a solution just can't find one

I have these days of uncertainty
Where I just don't know why I do these things
Why I lay in bed waiting for it it get better
Why I want to hold of cutting
Why I don't scream from the roof tops that I'm not ok
But I don't say or do anything I just lay here
Thoughts rushing through me head making me feel worse and worse
I need something stable in my life
Something I can controle and at the moment
All that I can controle is how much I cut and smoke
So people ask why I smoke why I don't want to quite
And it's because it makes. Me be able to push on
The keep fighting

It's really fucking late so I'm sorry if this is shit

Brick by brick the wall grows bigger as I get sadder

It's the not knowing that's killig me,
The not knowing if I'm stable
The not knowing if I can open up
I want to talk to you about everything when I'm done
But now your in a worse spot them me
I just wish it was easier for you and I to open up
We are so closed off
So alone

For that split second I thought I had lost her
I freaked out and I'm sorry
I just can't deal with not having her
Not when she doesn't even know how much I feel for her
Not till I tell her the truth
I couldn't deal with it
My mind an heart are still so confused about what just happened
I almost lost her
And lost myself

The cool edge of freedom

His hand ran across the cool steel of his knife
Rubbing back and forth over the razor sharp edge
Observing his pale skin, deciding where would be the best
And easiest place to tear at his flesh.

He had dreamt about it the night before
Played with the same knife the night before that
And now he sits contemplating the idea of bleeding down his arm.

He knew there is a chance he would see her tomorrow
The one he wanted,needed
She made him happy
And he prayed she wouldn't worry about him. He sits deciding where
Wishing for the pain but hoping for her.

I'm sorry babe if I have knew once for you to see Tomorrow

Safety is nothing but a lie

I'll still check your blog even though there will be no update
No new information
No chance to make thing better

We have all grown apart. Were not the same,so it might be time for a change
Maybe delete my blogspot or change URLs so that they don't need to worry
To waste time reading
Both have done it. It's just me still here
Hoping it had never changed
But it has. I need to change then to.

So close yet so tragecly apart.

In the next room sleeping

What he said is so true
The ideas he has put into my head
Now ache and tear me apart
"worthless"
"he is the reason we fight"
"I'm done with him, I'm done"

I'm nothing but a burden to this family
And I am even making you stay up to talk to me
I'm so sorry babe
I didn't want to pull you into this
Im not doing well
I'm broken and beaten
Bruised and torn
Bleeding and wounded

It's the idea of perfection that makes us notice how far we truly are

Nothing but shattered glass and bleeding hearts

Tonight was horrible
Tonight was the first time I have ever thought it
Thought that It would be easier for my family if I was in the ground
If I was buried deep
No more fights
No more burdens
No more me
He ruins everything
I was having the most amazing weekend
And now I'm here
At this place
Wanting to die, to let go, to leave
I want to cry and bleed
But I don't cry I don't bleed
I don't feel
I can't feel
Not with him here or the world listening in
My life seems to get worse everyday and I'm scared I will realise it's not getting better before I get to say I'm good byes

Everything is so fucked up at the mOment
So I don't know when I can post next
So have a great week and I'm gonna miss you all

Why do I feel like shit
Today should be good
But no
My mind throws me off
Making me feel so dead and alone
I don't know its early to write

I'm so sick of these sleepless nights

Life is difficult
And everyday I seem to make
It harder and harder.

Its getting worse.

This feeling.

When im alone.

When im not with you.

I can feel it.

The pain.

Breaking my spirit everyday.

Its only when i see you.

Do i feel happy.

I've told you to much.

Talking about pandages and blades.

Things i should lock up.

Things that will make you realise.

That im nothing.

But a burden.

I feel weird I'm on the phone to you
The person that makes me so happy
But im here playing with my new blades
Thinking about how many
And how deep I wanna go

I don't know of I can tell her the truth

I have my first session of the year tomorrow
And she's gonna ask about my break
To I tell her the truth
That I've started self harming again
That I think I have depression
That I'm getting deeper by the day
That I'm hiding it better and better
That Im gonna buy la dates after our session
Or do I lie
And say it was shot but I can't tell u why
To I just say eh was fine
Index to know before I go in there

i wish i could open up to you

I told you some stuff last night
stuff that wasnt good.but i had to hold back.
I hate that i cant tell you everything
That i cant call before i cut
you have so many issues that are tne times at bad as mine
but it seems that we both avoid talking about it to each other
because we are worried how it will effect the other person
i want to be honest with whats on my mind, but i just cant
i care to much about you to push my struggles into your life.

I'm lost in feelings
Lost in life
Lost in...
Nothing. I can't even type it. Not yet, not till I say it first

Done with all the drama

No cure just weaker infections

The tragedy of my past is catching up to me
But it's to early, usually it's around July
That I'm at my lowest. It feels like there
Is no solution just pain killers.

Your a big one, every day I smile at the idea
of seeing you. I don't think I can deal with
Lossing you. I know it will happen it's just gonna be hard
I hope, I beg, I pray that it isn't for a long time
So I can some up your warm smile and keep it with me.
Sorry I'm clingy and nit really with everything inside my mind atm

It's the road to happiness that will be the death of me

Tomorrow night is gonna be a big one
I can feel it
I want it

But at the same time
I wish someone would see
Would notice that I'm weaker
That I have new scars
That I don't smile as much
Anything
I just want to be happy with myself

I dont know what's going on in my head ATM
So I'm very sorry for these posts
There kinda shit

The year starts again this Friday
One more week of freedom and then it's back to my cage
The cage where I can't tell anyone how I feel
Where I can't be me

I haunt decided what I'm going to do
I've been tossing it up if it's a good idea or not
I feel that I have things under control but I know that's a lie
Should I tell her and let her help me with the cutting
Do I let my parents find out for the chance for me to be good
Or do I suffer in silence like I have before
I just want to sit back and have coffee and cigarets with you
But now I have all these things to think about and I don't know what to do.

Oh well I'll just Wing it I guess

My chest piece has more to the collection now
It had been so long
Over 2 weeks but now I've gone and done it again
My mind is fucked
I feel like a wreck
Like a sinking ship
And your my life boat
You make me so happy
But your not here and I'm sinking again
I can't wait to see you
hold you,
Smell you,
Feel your heart beat,
And watch your smile
I'm so fucking excited to be with you again

Last night I had a reason not to
Now I have nothing to stop me from myself

Today is gonna be tough I can tell

I've been reading
Reading old things
Things that speak of love and hope and tears
I don't have those stories
I don't have those stories of true love
Or hoping for things to be amazing and work
I feel so Useless
I use to help
I miss being pulled for people to tell me there stories
Now I have time to work on my own
The mind of Me
But it has no happy endings
Has no true love
Only pain, given and taken
This feeling of loss, like ive missed so much
The more i open up
The more I loss

i feel so ill
so sick
so fed up with this shit
all this stress is physicaly fucking with my body

seeing you today just....
it ruined so much
you didnt even see me
not ever a look
but i saw you
and all the memories came back
all the pain and dispair
all of it just arose from nowhere

idn wat im going on about im so light headed i feel like im gonna pass out
or throw up

why cant i just be at peace for a little while

i just got a message from her
i havnt spoken to her in over a year
but she still does it
anything she says brings back the horrible memories that keep me up
that force me not to sleep
that make me fade away

anything she says does this to me
and now
now all i wanna do is forget everything

Ive decided that I'm going to write a novel of Lucy
If you guys can commented with any ideas would help if not
I'll keep you posted with the extended version

I emailed them again
But this time it was for me
I was looking for their support
I trust and support them so much
But when I ask for advice I feel like I'm wasting their time
Their are others out there that need them more
I'm not to sure what I'm saying
I just feel so alone tonight

You keep asking my these question
They all join together but I can't answer one of them
What are you doing
Whats thinking
How are you

You had an extremely hard day today and I'm worth I couldn't help out more
I didn't have the words to help
So I'm hoping that you don't read this
And that u think I'm good
Coz I'm so happy with you
But at the moment I'm not in the best place

I'm worried I'm gonna regret this post but oh well

I'm in it for the long hall
I wanna be with you
Ever second of every day
I wanna hold you
And kiss you
And be with you
 for as long as I can

I no that it won't last as long as I want it to
But I'm gonna try
I want this to work
I wanna see you smile
And wake up to you singing
I wanna cook you scrambled eggs for breakfast
And smoke and drink coffee with you
I wanna sleep next to you
And hold you as you use me as a pillow

I just
I wanna be with you   

the tragety of life comes with the gift of living

poop story

The blood spattered over the cupbourd door
as his fist pushed through the wooden door,
he turned his head to the brick wall where his hand began to bleed
he didnt even notice he had broken the skin till now,
he sunk down to the ground holding his hand
as he lay there he went silent
no noise from anything
but it was broken by his words

" FUCK, WHY NOW! FUCK,"

Matts hand bleed in his lap.
The thoughts were swirling through his head
"why didnt i have another chance?"
"why did i say those things?"
"why, FUCK why now?"



i actually just started writing this
but am now bored of it
so i might pick it up again later
not to sure

Im letting you inside
inside my mind
and its difficult because i dont even notice it anymore

today you saw my scars
and i didnt even blink
i didnt care
im opening the gates
into my life

the life that noone really knows
and now
now
your here
your inside and im worried that im gonna get hurt more then ever

ive become weak
and yet extremly happy

idn
to many things going inside my head atm

so i think tonight might be a good night to get more scars
to rip open some scabs,
to release my thoughts out into the world

sorry
and bit of a shit post but i dont give a fuck!

I don't know how much longer I can hold it in for

I planned on writing something wise
Somthing amazing
But instead all I can think of
Is you

You and I
Us

Fuck I love saying that

But it's not like that
Even though it is ATM
I no that somthing will happen
Your such a free spirit that I can't hole you here forever
My anchor just isn't strong enough
But I'm ready for the heart ache
As long as I get to hold you again

I love being ignored

its so much fun when the person you wanna talk to
decides to reject you

This was ment to be a place I could go to escape
And now
When I have so much to fucking say
My mind won't put the words together
Just great

It's my fault I can't hold yoh

This one is so deep to me so please don't ask me about it

I'm sorry I didn't protect you when you couldn't
I'm sorry I didn't fight for your life when it hadn't even started
I'm sorry I didn't lay with her and rub your home for that time
I'm sorry I didn't get to say goodbye
I'm sorry I let you down
Im sorry that I was a reason to your death

Fuck, I can't talk anymore
I need a break
A break from all this shit

Don't bother (mind in different place)

Fuck! I regret that
Fuck

Ok the other day I threw away all my blades
Coz I felt horrible
I didn't like what I had done to myself
But now
Now I wanna look around for one
I know one is around
But I just want to cut
I want to right now
I can find one if I tried

Sorry my mind is all weird

All I see is the rough road it took to get here

All I see is the rough road it took to get here

Don't blame yourself for my actions,
I just reread your blogpost
And I'm planing on cutting again tonight
So trust me I do have somthing to live for
And it's in you
I see it
Now

I'm good

I think I'm Brocken, time to get fixed
Lot of coffe and cigarets :D

Things will be better this time
BULL! You've already fucked it

I just woke up
Almost in tears
And I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me

I had this dream that I was in Sydney and I was going for a walk in the suburbs and looked in this house window to see her and Charlie together
I panicked
And freaked out
And worried
And cut
And I don't even know
But I contacted her and asked her to stay with me
And she said no
I was crushed
But realized that she had so many feelings for that boy and only recently had them for me
Why would I even think I had a chance

Poisness pleasure

The shit moment when you no the thing you just got a rush from will end up being the change that makes the one thing I'm happy about leave

I'm sorry
When you met me I was strong
I wasn't weak
You didn't no I cut that much
And now
Now you know so much more then anyone around
And now your gonna realize I'm not the same person
Because I'm getting worse
I can feel it
Oh well if my changes makes you leave then I guess I'll just push through my crap like always
Sorry this post is shit but that rush is still with me a bit

If only I could help

I had already cut tonight

And now I've gone back
And done so many more
More then i have ever cut in that spot
Wtf is wrong
Today was good
Maybe it's the lack of sleep
Or that it's wait to late to try and sleep

Or maybe it's because I could finally do it after not doing it when I was away
Wow tonight has been shit
4 fucking posts
Damn it

Its 5am
And I've spend the last few hours reading your posts
And all I can think of is
I don't know
I want to help but can't
I want to tell you how I feel but know you don't/can't hear it
I want to hold you until you cry it all out, no words just time going by
I want to carve your name into me
I want to tell you how I feel
I want to take you to where you can be happy
I want to take your pain
I want to....

Fuck it

Things I lost recently

trust

Friends

Love

Loyalty

Honesty

There's only one thing I havnt lost yet
It's this feeling of tragedy

I feel so alone,
I'm losing people just like how I'm losing myself
Might be a good thing
I havnt been home in a few days and could really relax
So tonight will be the night to let it all out
To get rid of the fake smile
To realize the mind sent I'm in

i can feel it
another death is coming
im not sure who
but it will happen soon
i hate the idea of it
but i have this feeling that i need to try and spend time with the ones i love
incase there the next one to go

its really late when i'm typing this
so its horrible
but fuck ya

All i wanna do is be with you

All i wanna do is be with you

i dont know if its because i wont see you

i dont know if its because i just simply miss you

maybe its because there are these words, feelings stuck inside my head

that i cant and wont spit out

not again, not yet

so please if you read this

be safe, try to eat, and call me when you can

BAM
 im finaly here
finaly at 100

i wanted to say thanks to everyone who reads this
and that it has helpped me knowing that someone cares a bit

anyway
i wont make this long coz i have another post im gonna post soon
so again
THANK YOU SO MUCH
and
FUCK YEAH 100 POSTS!

Big one (coz it's number 99)

I need someone
Now
Now is when the phone needs tO ring
I need to cut but I can't
I can't do it again
That's why I need the call
If I stop it now
Then hopefully it won't get worse
But I need that call

Maybe it's time
Time to stop hoping
And just let it happen

I've told so many people not to cut
And now I'm here hoping someone will convince me

And I know your life is worse so I'm sorry
I'm sorry I'm not strong enough
I'm sorry I'm weak
I'm sorry I have no cash
I'm sorry I can't take you out
I'm sorry that I'm scarf when you touch my chest
I'm sorry
So sorry

Please let me make it up to you
Stick with me through this and I'll make it better

I will

ive figured it out

"Its not about my life its about yours."

i need to start moving forward and get where i wanna be

ive done it again
caused pain

i messaged him tonight
but i know it wont change a thing
might make shit worse
but oh well
another fuck up doesnt really matter