200th post

This is my 200th post, and i feel that alot of my story is on this website. It seems to me that there is a recurring theme. This theme of suicide and depression. I don't know why but as I look back I see it's always been there. The self harm the want to die. Not always in my self but always around. Even from 5 years ago with my friend. I remember taking him to the counselor. I walked in thinking of trying to help him and now I see that same counselor twice a week. Then it was more close friends then year 9 first person that really needed help he had attempted to kill himself loads of times but my friend liv pured everything she had into helping him. Then year ten and bam Sean had killed himself. I don't know why I'm saying all this. I just can't help but feel that there is no escape that this theme of my story will always be there. Which is fine. Just curious why. These days I've been feeling the same way alot of my suicide friends said. Alone,tired, upset. Just wanting to give up. I now worry that I have already given up on it all and am just waiting for the right time.

I simply don't know anymore. Truely lost

nothing new

I feel like nothing
just a shell
a peice of dirt, worthless, alone
circling this world of darkness.

I dont get it. I just dont seem to matter anymore. Before it was diffrent but now. Now i feel like nothing.
i sit at home and wait. Wait for someone for anything to talk to me. To call me, To pull me out of my mind for a little while because i dont know how much longer i can survive in here. I use to think that i would never kill myself because i had people who needed me. Now there is no one. No calls no texts to sigh of life. I guess it was them needing me that made me need them.

blades of grass, (poem)

The moonlight pured its  way down into the valley where we lay
The light beamed over us Like a warm blanket
covering us up from the world but letting us see eachother in a new light
The grass wrapped around our limbs
blowing in the wind
begging to intangle us into the soil
it was warm it was safe
it was our home.
Over time it changed
The moon drifted away
and the Light slipped away in an instand
The grass weaved its way around our bodies
being our cascet.
It began to pull us down
into the land
to hopfully give back to the ground we knew as home
it pulled us apart till only our finger tips could touch.
Slowly we gave our life to the ground
the grass kept growing
creating the wall inpetween us
The long green blades pulled her away
leaving me to lay there alone in the dark
trying to fight of the enevetable.
Deep in my slumber
i fell six feet under.

I'm trying to understand
I call everyday
I text every few hours
I think of you every minute
But there is no reply
Last night
I send you a text
A text that would make me run if it was from you
That would make me call
And come
And try to help
But yet no reply
I told you how i felt even when you weren't there
I havnt told anyone of these thoughts
You are the first
And still nothing
Maybe kill ing myself wouldn't be such a bad idea after all.

People keep telling me to walk away
that i need to take care of myself
but they dont understand
im a fighter
i dont just give up
ive been through shit and am still here
ive done it all before
ive taken care of people like her before
why do people keep telling me to look after myself
ive done this shit before.

Im sick of it
so fucking sick of it all. The constant anger and worry. i just dont understand
how many times can someone say they are sorry and still go and make the same mistake
i dont fucking understand it anymore
When will this shit end
When will i see her agian
When will i actually get to hear the bloody truth
Fucking hell. SO fucking sick of it all!!!!!!

find the key... Poem stuff

I had nothing else to write. So i thought i would try to write another poem. Sorry if it isnt any good.
They lay there.
In there warmth
getting lost in dreams and ideas
falling ever so slowly
deeper and deeper into the world of nothing. Into the world of everything
It is from this world where it all begins.
Your heart pounds a little faster.

Your mind races
your eyes dart back and forth as you watch.
Watch the birds fly and be so free
floading, gliding , Slicing through every cloud
They saw and fall going by there normal life
as we sit and stare. Wishing to do the same.

To fly away
To be lifted from these chains
Tearing. Pulling,
at the iron that binds us here

We lay there falling ever deeper
Into the world that we long for
into the story of wish to read
into the life we almost had.
You stand there
staring at what you see

yet not realising the strenght and beauty it holds
not alowing your mind to run wild
to be free
to step out from the cage you call saftey
let it go
let it fly
get the key and release yourself
from the weights that hold you down

the weights you call regret and guilt
throw them away
leave but dont run
never imprase the feeling of fear
but fight the enemies that frighten you

Look up to the sky when you wake
look deep into the colours
into the ever flowing clouds
look further
Through the blue blanket that covers you
And maybe you will find it

find your freedom
find the oppertunity to life your life
to fight for your beliefs
to understand the world
and to notice every colour you see.

Again im sorry if this isnt good. just felt like giving it ago.

music and old books

Sitting here. In front of the computer.
I sit here listening to the words of suicde and reading of happier times. If i was going to do it, End it all. Finaly get rid of all the pain and sorrow in my life. Now is when i would do it.
I cant help but read them. trying to hold on to the past. The time that made me smile. That made me feel good.
"and you feel my scars and I think that maybe I don’t need to hurt myself anymore."

words of life, Of hope. Nothing lasts forever. I knew that from the start. Yet i still tried
i tried so hard. I just dont know if it was the best idea. It was all so diffrent. all so knew. I finaly opened my heart and now it has closed even further.

"I like your hugs
and your kisses
and your laugh
and your smile
and your warmth
and I miss you"

How long should someone hold on to something that leaves them in pain? Its this question that i cant stop thinking. At first i thought it was to do with her. Now i realise it is to do with it all. Another peice of a puzzle. The puzzle that left me with paper cuts and brocken bones.

"I dont care about anything that you seem to see as a ‘problem’ about yourself. I want you, i need you."

i dont know if fighting is the right plan. if fighting for my life is the thing to do. If fighting for my dream. If fighting for this. If fighting against the depression or fear. Im so unsure if its worth it anymore.

"I miss you, and I want to be with you, and right now you make me happier than I've been in a long time."

Theres one memory. One simple thing that happened with out plan. With out guidense. I remember lying with her. On her soft bed, resting my head on her pillows and she rested hers on my chest. I lay there reading one of her books. This A4 spiral bound books. All about her life when she was in year eight. Understanding her struggle and beging to realise her true strength. That moment when i knew it was alright. I remember sliding my hand down to her arm and feeling over her scars. I remember it feeling perfect. Thats why i see her as perfect. she was mine in that moment. Just us with no shame or regret. No guilt and sorrow. Thats why i fight. Thats why i still call her. Thats why i dont leave or run. That moment plays over and over in my head. it was that moment that i noticed my smile. i noticed my life. It was because of her that i began to smile again.

i understand that im nothing special. Im nothing at all compaired to how amazing she truely is. So i understand when she wants to leave me. When i cant get through on the phone. When she is with other people. Thats why it makes it so hard to sit back and watch the person you dream of walk away.

Thats why i sit here reading old memorys and listening to sad music.

"I might love you"

Being pulled in half
Torn in different directions
Being ripped from side to side
What do I do
Do I do what's best for me
Or do i hold on to the hope that it will work
Idn I'm tired
And so fucking annoyed and pissed
And so hurt and alone
She lays with him whilst I sit and hope for a text

deeper everyday
deeper and deeper
trying not to reach out
trying to avoid getting help
but today
tonight
now
its diffrent
these ones worried me abit
these four that are still bleeding
and i reached out
i tried to call for help
someone to tell
but with no reply
i now sit here
talking about how i feel like shit
how i feel horrible
and numb
I understand
its late for someone to pick up the phone
but i see it now
i realise that even if she did pick up
what would change
i would still be numb and dead
id still be bleeding
i would still be alone
in this dark place
with no light at the end
with no salvation
just me
,my bloody blade
and a pile of red tissues.

Fuck it

I want to bleed
I want to cry
I want to scream
I want to yell
I want to be bruised and beaten
I want to fucking hurt something
I want to hurt
I don't even know my own life anymore
And I don't know why I keep pushing to live
You said I don't post anymore it's because it makes me realize how I truely feel
And At the moment
I just want to be cutting
Always cutting
I want to sleep forever
And never wake
I want to be done with everything
All the issues everything is just so fucked

Fuck it

I want to bleed
I want to cry
I want to scream
I want to yell
I want to be bruised and beaten
I want to fucking hurt something
I want to hurt
I don't even know my own life anymore
And I don't know why I keep pushing to live
You said I don't post anymore it's because it makes me realize how I truely feel
And At the moment
I just want to be cutting
Always cutting
I want to sleep forever
And never wake
I want to be done with everything
All the issues everything is just so fucked

Its fading
i still feel the same, i feel more
but its fading from her