ive been back at school for only a week now. It already feels like the holidays were months ago. Being stressed with school work and relationship is truely putting its toll on me, But at least its all the same.  I have so much to say but i know that my readers would do better with not reading it. I dont feel the same saftey that i once did on this blog. the people i use to trust with it seem to have either turned they heads against me or away from me. Which is alright, you get use to it. But its the fact that i dont have the freedom to express how i feel on here anymore that is screwing with my mind. I will still try and do posts i just need to be more carful with what i write and produce.

oh well, I plan to head out to the grave site this weekend, Finaly go and see him, I had to need to the other day when i worried for someone who hates me, All i could think was would i still be welcome at the funeral or not, It made me think of it all again of the idea of suicide and friends ship.

fuck it
i cant be bothered wriing anymore, Dont even bother trying to contact me or understand this shit, I got some big stuff to deal with tonight and i dont want any interuptions..

hey, sorry i havnt been posting my blogspot wasnt letting me sign in for the past 2 weeks but im back now and to make up for it ill be trying to do a few posts in this week.

ive been on holidays for a while now, Well i had a whole month off. I havnt really done much which is expected but it gave me alot of time to think about my life. Ive realised that i havnt done anything. i didnt make plans with anyone, No one tried to make plans with me. I havnt seen anyone except the three main people in my life. This has made me realise that there the only ones left, But with that said i have fallen for someone, Shes amazing, gorgous, cute, kind, caring. Everything that i want and need right now. though i fear its gonna turn out the same as with my last relationship. That relationship was a mistake at the start great in the middle and left me broken at the end. So what am i ment to do. Possibly destroy a good friendship if it all goes wrong. I can just talk to her, about anything. We had a big Deep And Meaningful talk the other night and it was good, But i can see that she is already extremly worried about me, I told her things i havnt told anyone else and im still only scrapping the top of it all. She looked at me after i told her stuff. They were these eyes of worry and pity and fear. I want to keep talking to her about it all but i know it will crush her emotional in the end. I really dont wanna do that to someone i care about.

my nights are getting longer and are full with thoughts of my past and future. i do miss alot of people. I miss the thought of having lots of friends. I miss the thought of security and safety, I miss the thought of having people in my life. and most of all i noticed that it was my fault that it all happened. I caused everyone to leave and forget about me. Which is good because it means im not a burden on anyone anymore, It means i can just fade away into nothing, disapear and not have to worry as much about the people in my life because there arnt all that many left.

and on top of all that i just feel dead, there are these moments of nothing but saddnes, For example this morning i went out for my usual wake up smoke and ended up sitting there for thirty minutes looking into the trees. just blank but so down, I didnt think i was worth it. Worth the energy that i was wasting in moving, i just...
i dont even know

anyway
talk soon.

maybe its all coz my sleeping is fucked. I dont sleep at all at night these days. I usely finaly fall asleep around 6am-8am but then wake at around 5 but this past week its just been about an hour of sleep then im woken again. just trying to sleep gives me this moment of silence, Of time to think and thats when it all goes bad. Im worried of what will happen if i turn of my music and just rest…

dont bother reading just a waste (doesnt make much sense)

just keep breathing. Hold off, you dont need to do with, just hold off, not another night, Dont do it again, You can wait another day, just keep breathing. relax you dont need to. Think of something else. stop letting your emotions get the better of you james. i need to learn to control myself. I cant keep going, but i have to try. Calm down, just keep it going dont do this. Please go just one night with out it. I know i can but.. its just so fucked. i have these bursts of emotions these days. Where things come out or my mind starts to race and all i wanna do is… their is someone close to me now someone i can talk to. But im so scared, so cut off, stuck in this habit of not talking, not expressing it. I just keep getting these flooding moments of emotions. Things i felt years ago or small things that make me go silent and rock back n forth. i need to calm down and just breath. sorry for the rant just not feeling it noww.

some people just anouy me these days.

i know that the person that this next post is about is gonna read this but atm its true and for that im sorry

ok theres this girl, a girl i use to care about alot. I still do care but we arnt close anymore. The only time we talk is after i post something. Like when i said i wanted someone to talk to a few weeks back the next day she spoke to me expecting me to open up to her, But it doesnt work that way and after my last post she posted saying i ignore the people who care. Even though i dont think she can count her self one of them. She might still care im not questioning that. Its that she expects me to tell her stuff when she doesnt try to connect to me. I havnt gotten a text from her in ages, A call even longer. Havnt seen her im months and i know that its mostly my fault but it doesnt mean that ill still spill my guts and thoughts to someone who i dont talk to. I wish we could still be close but i know that it will never happen. I screwed things up to bad with her and that tention will always be there, If i had acted on it earlier things may have been diffrent but i had other and bigger things to be worring about and trying to fix at the time. Stuff that still isnt finished and i fear never will be.

so to sum it all up. Im sorry for how things are but dont say i ignore people when you dont even try to talk to me. a message here and there doesnt count. Like i said it has been ages since any kind of contact.

i feel like ive lost my way to write. I use to be pretty good at keeping up and up dating this blog alot but these days theres just to much. Theres no where to start. New feelings and issues, it all seems to just be building up. Im sorry for letting everyone down. Not just my friends or family but the people who read these or give me a reason to let out my emotions.

A close friend of mine told me i shouldnt bottle my emotions up and that i need a way to let it go, But i fear that if i do that ill be stuck the same possition i was a little while back. Being worried of what they thought. Them not telling me anything which made it so much worse and most of it forces me to actually think about my life.

Right now i am almost two weeks into holidays and this is a bad thing. One because it means that my holidays are almost over and two because it means i have time to myself. My scars have doubled, I cut deeper these days and feel less from them. Its like theres no response. Noone wanting to help or even caring that i do these things anymore.

i just..

like i said i earlier i dont even no where to start.