It's the road to happiness that will be the death of me

Tomorrow night is gonna be a big one
I can feel it
I want it

But at the same time
I wish someone would see
Would notice that I'm weaker
That I have new scars
That I don't smile as much
Anything
I just want to be happy with myself

I dont know what's going on in my head ATM
So I'm very sorry for these posts
There kinda shit

The year starts again this Friday
One more week of freedom and then it's back to my cage
The cage where I can't tell anyone how I feel
Where I can't be me

I haunt decided what I'm going to do
I've been tossing it up if it's a good idea or not
I feel that I have things under control but I know that's a lie
Should I tell her and let her help me with the cutting
Do I let my parents find out for the chance for me to be good
Or do I suffer in silence like I have before
I just want to sit back and have coffee and cigarets with you
But now I have all these things to think about and I don't know what to do.

Oh well I'll just Wing it I guess

My chest piece has more to the collection now
It had been so long
Over 2 weeks but now I've gone and done it again
My mind is fucked
I feel like a wreck
Like a sinking ship
And your my life boat
You make me so happy
But your not here and I'm sinking again
I can't wait to see you
hold you,
Smell you,
Feel your heart beat,
And watch your smile
I'm so fucking excited to be with you again

Last night I had a reason not to
Now I have nothing to stop me from myself

Today is gonna be tough I can tell

I've been reading
Reading old things
Things that speak of love and hope and tears
I don't have those stories
I don't have those stories of true love
Or hoping for things to be amazing and work
I feel so Useless
I use to help
I miss being pulled for people to tell me there stories
Now I have time to work on my own
The mind of Me
But it has no happy endings
Has no true love
Only pain, given and taken
This feeling of loss, like ive missed so much
The more i open up
The more I loss

i feel so ill
so sick
so fed up with this shit
all this stress is physicaly fucking with my body

seeing you today just....
it ruined so much
you didnt even see me
not ever a look
but i saw you
and all the memories came back
all the pain and dispair
all of it just arose from nowhere

idn wat im going on about im so light headed i feel like im gonna pass out
or throw up

why cant i just be at peace for a little while

i just got a message from her
i havnt spoken to her in over a year
but she still does it
anything she says brings back the horrible memories that keep me up
that force me not to sleep
that make me fade away

anything she says does this to me
and now
now all i wanna do is forget everything

Ive decided that I'm going to write a novel of Lucy
If you guys can commented with any ideas would help if not
I'll keep you posted with the extended version

I emailed them again
But this time it was for me
I was looking for their support
I trust and support them so much
But when I ask for advice I feel like I'm wasting their time
Their are others out there that need them more
I'm not to sure what I'm saying
I just feel so alone tonight

You keep asking my these question
They all join together but I can't answer one of them
What are you doing
Whats thinking
How are you

You had an extremely hard day today and I'm worth I couldn't help out more
I didn't have the words to help
So I'm hoping that you don't read this
And that u think I'm good
Coz I'm so happy with you
But at the moment I'm not in the best place

I'm worried I'm gonna regret this post but oh well

I'm in it for the long hall
I wanna be with you
Ever second of every day
I wanna hold you
And kiss you
And be with you
 for as long as I can

I no that it won't last as long as I want it to
But I'm gonna try
I want this to work
I wanna see you smile
And wake up to you singing
I wanna cook you scrambled eggs for breakfast
And smoke and drink coffee with you
I wanna sleep next to you
And hold you as you use me as a pillow

I just
I wanna be with you   

the tragety of life comes with the gift of living

poop story

The blood spattered over the cupbourd door
as his fist pushed through the wooden door,
he turned his head to the brick wall where his hand began to bleed
he didnt even notice he had broken the skin till now,
he sunk down to the ground holding his hand
as he lay there he went silent
no noise from anything
but it was broken by his words

" FUCK, WHY NOW! FUCK,"

Matts hand bleed in his lap.
The thoughts were swirling through his head
"why didnt i have another chance?"
"why did i say those things?"
"why, FUCK why now?"



i actually just started writing this
but am now bored of it
so i might pick it up again later
not to sure

Im letting you inside
inside my mind
and its difficult because i dont even notice it anymore

today you saw my scars
and i didnt even blink
i didnt care
im opening the gates
into my life

the life that noone really knows
and now
now
your here
your inside and im worried that im gonna get hurt more then ever

ive become weak
and yet extremly happy

idn
to many things going inside my head atm

so i think tonight might be a good night to get more scars
to rip open some scabs,
to release my thoughts out into the world

sorry
and bit of a shit post but i dont give a fuck!

I don't know how much longer I can hold it in for

I planned on writing something wise
Somthing amazing
But instead all I can think of
Is you

You and I
Us

Fuck I love saying that

But it's not like that
Even though it is ATM
I no that somthing will happen
Your such a free spirit that I can't hole you here forever
My anchor just isn't strong enough
But I'm ready for the heart ache
As long as I get to hold you again

I love being ignored

its so much fun when the person you wanna talk to
decides to reject you

This was ment to be a place I could go to escape
And now
When I have so much to fucking say
My mind won't put the words together
Just great

It's my fault I can't hold yoh

This one is so deep to me so please don't ask me about it

I'm sorry I didn't protect you when you couldn't
I'm sorry I didn't fight for your life when it hadn't even started
I'm sorry I didn't lay with her and rub your home for that time
I'm sorry I didn't get to say goodbye
I'm sorry I let you down
Im sorry that I was a reason to your death

Fuck, I can't talk anymore
I need a break
A break from all this shit

Don't bother (mind in different place)

Fuck! I regret that
Fuck

Ok the other day I threw away all my blades
Coz I felt horrible
I didn't like what I had done to myself
But now
Now I wanna look around for one
I know one is around
But I just want to cut
I want to right now
I can find one if I tried

Sorry my mind is all weird

All I see is the rough road it took to get here

All I see is the rough road it took to get here

Don't blame yourself for my actions,
I just reread your blogpost
And I'm planing on cutting again tonight
So trust me I do have somthing to live for
And it's in you
I see it
Now

I'm good

I think I'm Brocken, time to get fixed
Lot of coffe and cigarets :D

Things will be better this time
BULL! You've already fucked it

I just woke up
Almost in tears
And I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me

I had this dream that I was in Sydney and I was going for a walk in the suburbs and looked in this house window to see her and Charlie together
I panicked
And freaked out
And worried
And cut
And I don't even know
But I contacted her and asked her to stay with me
And she said no
I was crushed
But realized that she had so many feelings for that boy and only recently had them for me
Why would I even think I had a chance

Poisness pleasure

The shit moment when you no the thing you just got a rush from will end up being the change that makes the one thing I'm happy about leave

I'm sorry
When you met me I was strong
I wasn't weak
You didn't no I cut that much
And now
Now you know so much more then anyone around
And now your gonna realize I'm not the same person
Because I'm getting worse
I can feel it
Oh well if my changes makes you leave then I guess I'll just push through my crap like always
Sorry this post is shit but that rush is still with me a bit

If only I could help

I had already cut tonight

And now I've gone back
And done so many more
More then i have ever cut in that spot
Wtf is wrong
Today was good
Maybe it's the lack of sleep
Or that it's wait to late to try and sleep

Or maybe it's because I could finally do it after not doing it when I was away
Wow tonight has been shit
4 fucking posts
Damn it

Its 5am
And I've spend the last few hours reading your posts
And all I can think of is
I don't know
I want to help but can't
I want to tell you how I feel but know you don't/can't hear it
I want to hold you until you cry it all out, no words just time going by
I want to carve your name into me
I want to tell you how I feel
I want to take you to where you can be happy
I want to take your pain
I want to....

Fuck it

Things I lost recently

trust

Friends

Love

Loyalty

Honesty

There's only one thing I havnt lost yet
It's this feeling of tragedy

I feel so alone,
I'm losing people just like how I'm losing myself
Might be a good thing
I havnt been home in a few days and could really relax
So tonight will be the night to let it all out
To get rid of the fake smile
To realize the mind sent I'm in

i can feel it
another death is coming
im not sure who
but it will happen soon
i hate the idea of it
but i have this feeling that i need to try and spend time with the ones i love
incase there the next one to go

its really late when i'm typing this
so its horrible
but fuck ya

All i wanna do is be with you

All i wanna do is be with you

i dont know if its because i wont see you

i dont know if its because i just simply miss you

maybe its because there are these words, feelings stuck inside my head

that i cant and wont spit out

not again, not yet

so please if you read this

be safe, try to eat, and call me when you can

BAM
 im finaly here
finaly at 100

i wanted to say thanks to everyone who reads this
and that it has helpped me knowing that someone cares a bit

anyway
i wont make this long coz i have another post im gonna post soon
so again
THANK YOU SO MUCH
and
FUCK YEAH 100 POSTS!

Big one (coz it's number 99)

I need someone
Now
Now is when the phone needs tO ring
I need to cut but I can't
I can't do it again
That's why I need the call
If I stop it now
Then hopefully it won't get worse
But I need that call

Maybe it's time
Time to stop hoping
And just let it happen

I've told so many people not to cut
And now I'm here hoping someone will convince me

And I know your life is worse so I'm sorry
I'm sorry I'm not strong enough
I'm sorry I'm weak
I'm sorry I have no cash
I'm sorry I can't take you out
I'm sorry that I'm scarf when you touch my chest
I'm sorry
So sorry

Please let me make it up to you
Stick with me through this and I'll make it better

I will

ive figured it out

"Its not about my life its about yours."

i need to start moving forward and get where i wanna be

ive done it again
caused pain

i messaged him tonight
but i know it wont change a thing
might make shit worse
but oh well
another fuck up doesnt really matter