things are moving so fast
my life is rushing past me
i dont remeber what is going on anymore
there are just more and more scars
and that worries me the most
im burning out
and im scared im gonna let you all down

how am i ment to help everyone when im waiting for someone to open there eyes and help me

things are moving so fast
my life is rushing past me
i dont remeber what is going on anymore
there are just more and more scars
and that worries me the most
im burning out
and im scared im gonna let you all down

how am i ment to help everyone when im waiting for someone to open there eyes and help me

I see her tomorrow
I can't wait
But I'm so worried
What if she sees my healing wounds and realizes
What if she finds out that I'm weak at times
What if she notices that there is a change that I'll fail again
What if she feels my chest and I flinch away
What if she grabs my shoulder and I have to grid my teeth
What if the scabs break and she feels and sees my blood failing

What if I have already fucked up by cutting in the first place

...
Why

I don't know why
But this time of year always bums me out
Like a fuck load
I've been cutting more
And now I'm places which are hard to hide
I'm so stupid
Why there and in summer so I can just layer on fucking cloths
Oh well all day no one commented on my scars which was nice
But it makes me wonder have my parents not seen them or have they seen them and don't wanna talk to me abOut it

I think if they new
It would be easier
But I just know that my mum would cry and I can't deal with leading her to paiin

The only I ask for Christmas
Is to be able to hold you again

Fuck
I hate Christmas

Time for a change
I fail again

So
Bye

I did it again
A few deeper this time
And I know it's horrible
But it was kinda relaxing
I can feel the blood running down as we speak
Its kind of burning and tickling at the same time :D

Wow

I sounds horrible
If you can't tell I've had a bad night
And I'll probably keep posting more tonight plus the other one already

Everyone is making plans
And I feel like I'm just stuck here
In the same spot
Not moving foward
I'm still fucked up
I'm still wrecked
I'm still complaining about my life

The only thing that has changed is that I have added scars to my story board
People have left just as they did before and more people are emerging
But no one ever stays for that long
They give me there issues, make me care
And then are surprised when I hate the people that have hurt them
Oh well
It's time to give in
To go back to drinking alone and shutting everyone out
It's not the first time so this will be easy

Maybe if I avoid everyone they will all leave and I will never have to feel them leave one by one anymore

I don't understand how know one looks at me and see that I am Brocken, I'm always the person you cares never the person to be taken care of.

Today was amazing
All day
But it was readying ur diary as you lay and slept that made the day
I felt so good
Like it could work
I had no regrets
No pain
But now I'm here
I have dropped
I feel like ripping my self apart
Everyone says I need to sleep more
But it's when I try that I have time to think
I have time to notice the blades in my room
I have time to notice my body
Time to see my scars

Its at this time
When I can see the pain
When I can feel the dread
I'm not stable
I'm not safe
I'm scared of my self
And what I'll do

I'm so nervous that I have depression
But I can't tell anyone
I can't open up anymore
This is my only outlet

So many bad things
Have happened
And I wonder how I'm still pushing
How I'm still living when one of my events would make people think of suicide 

I have also been thinking
What if I wasn't here
If I did cut so deeply I bled out
What would change
I no you'd miss me 
But that would pass
I no I have more to live for
But I don't know if it's meant to be 

Maybe I'm to close
Maybe I need to step back

I sat here and wrote a huge post
But you know what

Fuck it

I thought I wasn't going to
Never again i said
But now
All I can think is how badly I want to

I want to feel it rip and tear
I want the blood to spill and drip
I want the scars

I just don't understand I'm happy
Things are going well compaired to what I'm use to
But all I want is to bleed
Maybe this is the start to my cycle
Maybe I shouldn't
But I don't know if I can avoid it anymore

R they more song lyrics or are they something else
Oh well

Now its time to wait and see how big of an explosion is to come

I need to you to speak
I can't help you when you don't tell me
I wouldn't have gone if you said stay
I avoid cutting coz you asked me to
I keep it a secret because you asked me to
Anything you said I would happily do if it helps you
I will always try to save and be there
But I can't of u don't tell me



I whispered IT into the phone after you hung up

this one is on me
i caused the hurt
i made her cut
i made her feel the pain
i should have just been quite

please dont hurt again after reading this
please
you promised ud avoid doing it

this one is on me
i caused the hurt
i made her cut
i made her feel the pain
i should have just been quite

please dont hurt again after reading this
please
you promised ud avoid doing it

cant do this

you say these things
that ur dont want me to freak
the things that would make normal people run

but im here
i stayed by yourside
and you showed me that you do still love him

the way you looked at him
the way you kiss him infront of me

it shows me that you should be with him
and that i was right
i jumpped to conclusions and was wrong
i hoped for something bigger
something better then i should ever have
and i was wrong
so very wrong

so im gonna step back
im gonna leave you be
im gonna make you realise that he is the better one
and that he always will be

maybe i just need some more smokes
somthing to calm me down
and not think the way i do

i cant deal with this stuff anymore
this back and forth game
it hurts

im constandly feeling like crap untill i see you
and only you

but now i dont know how long i can take anymore
im so happy then i leave
and drop
im here again wanting to cut out the pain and jsut forget but at the same time always remember

i dont know how much longer i can do it for

I'm jumping to thoughts again
I need to chill out and breath

My mind is going insane
I can't think that way
I no it's not true
So why do I think it is about me

Oh well I'll let it rest
Maybe ask tomorrow and make an ass out of my self again

I've screwed up again

Why do I do this stuff

Oh well I'll figure it out

I CANT BELIEVE I THOUGHT THAT
FUCK

why would anyone like her feel that way about me
look at me im a reck
so stupid
FUCKING HELL

FUCK
i fucked everything up this time

oh well my chest has been looking alittle to bair these days anyway
so good night and remember
FUCK IM STUPID

every day it seems to get worse.
the need to hurt my self
i cant stop the impulse

i just get this feeling that
well
i dont even know

my mind just looses it self
and i end up looking in the mirror to my bleeding

im scared
i cant have depression
i just cant deal with know if i do right now

i already suffer from post dramatic stress and now
it seems like i have another mental illness to add

i dont know what the fuck im gonna do....

Im starting to feel less guilty about this
about what im doing

im not to sure about why
maybe its coz i want it
i want you
and
that you understand
you feel my chest and you understand the reasons a bit better then everyone else

my scars arnt as bad as yours
But you get it

i wish it was easier
you may have me
but i no i wont ever have you

your a free spirit which is great
but i want you
i need you
and you keep flying away

i saw you for a few hours and
wished it was days,
months
years

i dont know
im foolish
dont worry about me :D

yep

i told my friend this story the other night
i did some stupid things taht night so i thought that telling her this might make up for it a little
its all true well 2 my point of view :D

I once met this girl
That made me feel so different
I didn't no what to feel
But slowly but surely I got use to her weirdness
She was so thin and so beautiful
But there was this man
A man I trust and love
But over time I got use to him being there

Then one day my feelings blossomed
With her help of course
But my mind changed again
She sung with such grace
And yet such power

I wanted her
Needed her
And did really trust her

idn

i dont know why i did it
i really dont understand it
all i know is that i want to be me again
and that when i slide my hand up my chest and to my shoulder and down my bi cep and to my wrist
i can feel every line
every scar
every mark
and it feels good

i dont agree with it
but i have this thing with scars that makes me feel so good
im sorry my posts have been a bit off coz my mind hasnt been in the right place for a while
hopfully ill fix it up and u guys can keep reading and enjoy :D

It begins

I realized today that I'm a size 12
I should be a ten and that is now my goal
I will loose the weight anyway possible and it starts today
Last thigni ate was 5 hours ago
I know nothing yet
But it will
I will not eat until 12 on the 11th
I've fasted before but that was for charity now this is for me
And even on the 11th it won't be much
I need to loose this weight
I need better legs
And y hips must be able to be seen
I'm sick of beig the fat kid
I'm sick of swimming with a shirt on
I'm sick of buying large shirts
I can do it
I will loose the weight

hmmmm

i dont know how i feel
i havnt dated in so long
and now, even tho its not dating
i feel strange i dont know wat to do

oh well i guess ill just step back and see where things go
she was just so beautiful last night
so much to think about

im not sure

i dont know how i feel at the moment
my mind is torn into diffrent peices
my body is bruised and scard

i feel diffrent
like a traitor almost

i think it might be time to pick up the bottle again
for so long have a pushed though my own issues with out it
but now im weak
im bruised and hurt
i think i might need to start up that horrible habit again
it destroyed so much but it made me

i wont be answer any questions about this blog post
even if your one of my best mates this is for me and me alone