I need you
I long for you
I beg for you
I dream to be with you

When will you see

death is a gift

death is a gift
life is a tragity
pain is a realization
and depression is felt by all

i feel so dead, so alone
nothing seems to be going the way i planed it to be.
i am making more and more mistakes
people are feeling that they cant depend on me
but thats what i need,
i need people to tell me there issues and problems
that way i feel i can beat mine

what have i done wrong?
i have wasted so much time
fucked up so much
why does all this crap seem to happen to me

more and more scars are appearing
i feel the need of pain more then ever
please someone.

I can't make them real

It's coming around again

This feeling of being a waste of space and time
Nothing but pain is felt by the people around me
I have grown new scares
My blood level has Falling
My heart isn't beating as fast
Is has become weak and frail

All of this time has coursed nothing but pain.

People have left and I thought that these 5 months would be dragged put more
It came around so quickly, I still don't believe it but I will come and see you soon
I now know where you lay and I am planning on getting there

R.I.P S.M

...

I don't know why I feel so bad tonight

Just so much time to reflect on everything I have done
Everyone I have effected
Every lie
Every truth
Every tear dropped for me, because of my life stories

But there are still things that I can never tell anyone because I no it will hurt them
I don't know if I have done anything to help anyone
I hope that I have effected you in a good way
I hope that the words I spit are slowly making you realize that the blade is never a good option

So many scares
So many disappointments
So many fuck ups

3 days

In less then three days it's offical
I am 16

It should be a good thing

But I just want it to stop
The absence of my happiness is everywhere
I can't avoid it anymore

I either give up, end it all, cut all ties
Or
I keep pushing
Keep taking on these responsabilties

I feel so numb
The one person I truly believe will always be there I can't explain it to her and it sucks a giant dick

I just woke up
From this horrible dream
I feel so down and lost

One of my ex parteners had died
I was with her for 2 years
I feel so low
So stupid

Did I make a mistake by breaking up with her
I need to talk to her

I feel that's the only thing that will help me out

I don't know what to do with myself

I almost lost her
For a second I was so extremely scared
WHY was carved into my arm

I almost lost her
Because of one foolish person
Why do I need her so much
Why is she so upset
Why does she always make me smile

I seem truly happy around her

I beg that I don't fuck it up

I can't breath

The pain in my chest is growing
Someone please help me, it won't go away
Everything I look at seems to make me feel worse and worse

It just keeps coming nothing seems to stop it
My voice is quite my breath is thin
Death is seeming like a better life then this one
But I know there are to many people I need to look after before I can take off my shiny armor, 

Nothing is to come from living on
I have  a lot of amazing memories already and enough bad ones to make you cry so why keep pushing if it will just lead to more sorrow and regret

Tears will never run from my eyes just add more cracks to my already broken and fragile heart!!!!!!!!!!!!! :'(

To little one

You wanted the truth

The ggilt is building up, I wish the people around me had build walls, not bridges
That way my cancer couldnt infect them as well

I can see it now
This cloaked smoke figure. Following me every where
Trying to think of knew ways to make me down

I can feel it
With all these sleepless nights
I know he is getting closer
The smell feels my room, his breath touches my neck

He is pushing the knife towards me
Telling me t is the only way to fix everything,
I see it with my family everyday, their eyes have gotten old
From all the stress I have coursed

I shall be gone soon though
Means know one else will get hurt from me

Everything is falling to it's knees
The one place I felt safe is begging
My mind is dieing
My soul has left
I feel I am nothing but a shell

My used up heart still beats
Wishing some one would realize
I hope one day I shall not feel all this guilt
Guilt for things I had no controle over

I am guilty
Guilty to all
Guilty of everything

When will I have my final meal
When will the exercuter of truth call me up

I am sorry if I have effected you
I am sorry if my infection has hurt you

Gabrielle Aplin

this girl

Gabrielle aplin is amazing

i have no joke never heard a voice so amazing :D
GO AND CHECK HER OUT NOW
she is soooooo gooooood

anyway

dont forget to wear pants :D
byess

Dreams

I'm sleeping more and more
Days are not a thing of time anymore
I am loading everything minutes, hours, days and nights.

My dreams are becoming my life and my once perfecct life is now a dream.
There full of pain and suffering. Full of death,destruction and dishonor
I feel guitly all the time and it haunts me when I sleep.

I love her

Everything seems so I fucked, I'm sitting here on the outside looking in to the relationships of my mates and there is just so much drama.
But I still wish I had something like that.
I can see her
She is so close in my head
But I will never know her touch
Or her smell
Or how soft her skin is.

I wish she was here already.
I miss her
I need her
I long for her

I have finally surrendered to my heart
I know I can't push on through life by my self
But she just doesnt want to show up.


Anyway
Don't forget to wear pantaloons :)

Oh My God

So I wanted to say thanks to everyone,
I looked at my stats and found out that there are 218 of you reading my blog

I thought from the start that this would be nothing just a way for me to escape from everything but it had become so much more then that, I realize that I have been a bit slack lately with my posts but I shall be putting up some big ones soon, do to with sexism and judgment and just shit heads out there.
So if you have any ideas please comment it would be amazing to actually take to some of you

Anyway
Love you guys
Don't forget to wear PANTS :)

Up date

So just a quick up date
I have stopped using the hole day thingo
And I think it's better this way

Everything is pretty average I had a horribly boring week end
Nothing has really happened
I still feel like shit
But I feel better knowing one of my best friends now is reading my blog
Love you little one

And yeah I don't really know what else to say
:)

Enjoy the little things

Things are getting more and more difficult
But I have realized that I need to enjoy the little things
It seems that with my vocals getting the darkness is being scared and retreating
Screaming into my mirror seems to let all the anger out

To bad I know that when I wake up nOthing will have changed
I will still feel like shit
People will still be leaning on me and looking at me for help

It's just so FUCKED UP


The one thing that all of my readers (if any) need to remember is

You are beautiful in every way
Never forget that

LOST

I guess I'm just done with everything
These sleepless nights are become more often
And all of this pain and sorrow I has time to think about is getting to me

I have fucked up so many different lives and relationships
I'm stuck on this road to no where

I AM LOST

Lost on my own thoughts
Lost in my dreams
Lost with my life

I have lost everything that ment something to me
All my old morals are gone only to be filled with suffergating regrets

Death seems better and better everyday

Day 12

I thought I was better
I thought I had finally got over it, but it is still here
It happened over a year ago and that night still haunts me
Everything I do seems to be because of that
Why can't anyone notice I need them
I will never tell that I need them but I do
I need help
I need for someone to tell me its ok I can take of my armour, you dont need to save everyone

When will that person get here
When will all of you realize I need help and I need it now
I wish I could go on some meds or somthing but I could never hurt my mother like that
I just want someone to help me

Quickly I need someone to save my soul
PLEASE HELP ME

ZOMBIE

 so if you couldnt tell by my "liz" story i am kind of in love with zombies
and FINALY my zombie survival guide showed up.

AMAZING READ
everyone should read it, even if you dont believe in zombies do it anyway
it will save your life

so yeah just a quick little up date
i am doing well now that i am back at school with my friends
my scars still havnt faided and i am slowly feeling the need to start again.
i dont know why
but the feeling of a blade opening up warm flesh just makes me feel better
its like those few minutes of panic after
the fear of death
the rush of adreniline, makes me forget about everything


(sorry about the spelling, really out of it at the moment)