my head is pounding into my skull, so much movement yet no thoughts. I feel like i had a good day. alot of stress but thats like everyday but now,now i just want to fade away, to escape. my eyes are weak. They keep falling and weeping. Not a full on cry i dont cry, they just weep, with pain and regret. It spills out of my eyes and mouth. flooding the world with my infection. the sickness i try to hide and now im being asked to let go and tell someone, to show them my regrets and lies, my truths and pains. my life on paper. I cant think straight. i feel lifeless,nothing but a shell

im sorry if this is poop but thats how i feel
i feel dead, compeltly gone.

oblivion Of the oblivious

officaily lost

Completily gone

Never to return

just a trail of smoke and ash

a man of stone

with no pain

cut off from the world

No need to come back

forever gone

never to change again

Thats what i have become.

I've fallen into my oblivion

I was away for to long

And left you to suffer

I need something to be real

And bleeding is the clostest thing

Please save me from this darkness that is my mind

 So many things i need to tell you.

Far from here with more room to shine

 Every day it seems to get harder to push on
I always will, I can just feel this darkness spreading
I'm worried that I have more triggers now. Triggers that I'll never truly figure out. These things in my day to day life make It so much harder. I feel so alone. So lifeless
My energy has fallen and all I do is sleep. I wish I wasn't like this, I want to be me again, the happy protective James that made sure everyone was ok before even starting to think about myself, I was the advice giver, the one they came to. Now I'm nothing, a shadow of the true me, and I think you've noticed, I wish I was stronger for you, I wish you could tell me everything, I wish you wouldn't have to worry. 

I just need to keep smiling 

How can I explain it to her. I've told her so much in the past five years but never this.
It's all getting harder yet easier. I havnt cut myself in a few days but it's not by choice.
I need knew and bigger blades. So I can go deeper and bleed more and cut it out
But how can I tell her, she's been through it all. I'm not her first patient to selfharm but she says I'm important to her. How am I ment to explain to her
The want
The need
The crave
When she cares so much, she's so important, I wouldnt be here if she hadn't helped me out
But I don't want to make her change her mind. I don't want her to flake
And I'm worried that she will flake and she will get scared

I'm confused about all of this and yet know there is only to options
I either don't tall about it or spill my guts to her

Time tickets by as I stay here and lie

I want to go deeper
Yet I no it's wrong
I want to bleed
Yet not scab
I want to have huge scars that cover me
Yet not be the reasons to worry anyone
I want to feel good
Yet still feel in controle
I want to tell the truth
Yet beable to keep living
I want to make you smile
Yet still know I can tell you my troubles

I need a solution just can't find one

I have these days of uncertainty
Where I just don't know why I do these things
Why I lay in bed waiting for it it get better
Why I want to hold of cutting
Why I don't scream from the roof tops that I'm not ok
But I don't say or do anything I just lay here
Thoughts rushing through me head making me feel worse and worse
I need something stable in my life
Something I can controle and at the moment
All that I can controle is how much I cut and smoke
So people ask why I smoke why I don't want to quite
And it's because it makes. Me be able to push on
The keep fighting

It's really fucking late so I'm sorry if this is shit

Brick by brick the wall grows bigger as I get sadder

It's the not knowing that's killig me,
The not knowing if I'm stable
The not knowing if I can open up
I want to talk to you about everything when I'm done
But now your in a worse spot them me
I just wish it was easier for you and I to open up
We are so closed off
So alone

For that split second I thought I had lost her
I freaked out and I'm sorry
I just can't deal with not having her
Not when she doesn't even know how much I feel for her
Not till I tell her the truth
I couldn't deal with it
My mind an heart are still so confused about what just happened
I almost lost her
And lost myself

The cool edge of freedom

His hand ran across the cool steel of his knife
Rubbing back and forth over the razor sharp edge
Observing his pale skin, deciding where would be the best
And easiest place to tear at his flesh.

He had dreamt about it the night before
Played with the same knife the night before that
And now he sits contemplating the idea of bleeding down his arm.

He knew there is a chance he would see her tomorrow
The one he wanted,needed
She made him happy
And he prayed she wouldn't worry about him. He sits deciding where
Wishing for the pain but hoping for her.

I'm sorry babe if I have knew once for you to see Tomorrow

Safety is nothing but a lie

I'll still check your blog even though there will be no update
No new information
No chance to make thing better

We have all grown apart. Were not the same,so it might be time for a change
Maybe delete my blogspot or change URLs so that they don't need to worry
To waste time reading
Both have done it. It's just me still here
Hoping it had never changed
But it has. I need to change then to.

So close yet so tragecly apart.

In the next room sleeping

What he said is so true
The ideas he has put into my head
Now ache and tear me apart
"worthless"
"he is the reason we fight"
"I'm done with him, I'm done"

I'm nothing but a burden to this family
And I am even making you stay up to talk to me
I'm so sorry babe
I didn't want to pull you into this
Im not doing well
I'm broken and beaten
Bruised and torn
Bleeding and wounded

It's the idea of perfection that makes us notice how far we truly are

Nothing but shattered glass and bleeding hearts

Tonight was horrible
Tonight was the first time I have ever thought it
Thought that It would be easier for my family if I was in the ground
If I was buried deep
No more fights
No more burdens
No more me
He ruins everything
I was having the most amazing weekend
And now I'm here
At this place
Wanting to die, to let go, to leave
I want to cry and bleed
But I don't cry I don't bleed
I don't feel
I can't feel
Not with him here or the world listening in
My life seems to get worse everyday and I'm scared I will realise it's not getting better before I get to say I'm good byes

Everything is so fucked up at the mOment
So I don't know when I can post next
So have a great week and I'm gonna miss you all

Why do I feel like shit
Today should be good
But no
My mind throws me off
Making me feel so dead and alone
I don't know its early to write

I'm so sick of these sleepless nights

Life is difficult
And everyday I seem to make
It harder and harder.

Its getting worse.

This feeling.

When im alone.

When im not with you.

I can feel it.

The pain.

Breaking my spirit everyday.

Its only when i see you.

Do i feel happy.

I've told you to much.

Talking about pandages and blades.

Things i should lock up.

Things that will make you realise.

That im nothing.

But a burden.

I feel weird I'm on the phone to you
The person that makes me so happy
But im here playing with my new blades
Thinking about how many
And how deep I wanna go

I don't know of I can tell her the truth

I have my first session of the year tomorrow
And she's gonna ask about my break
To I tell her the truth
That I've started self harming again
That I think I have depression
That I'm getting deeper by the day
That I'm hiding it better and better
That Im gonna buy la dates after our session
Or do I lie
And say it was shot but I can't tell u why
To I just say eh was fine
Index to know before I go in there

i wish i could open up to you

I told you some stuff last night
stuff that wasnt good.but i had to hold back.
I hate that i cant tell you everything
That i cant call before i cut
you have so many issues that are tne times at bad as mine
but it seems that we both avoid talking about it to each other
because we are worried how it will effect the other person
i want to be honest with whats on my mind, but i just cant
i care to much about you to push my struggles into your life.

I'm lost in feelings
Lost in life
Lost in...
Nothing. I can't even type it. Not yet, not till I say it first

Done with all the drama

No cure just weaker infections

The tragedy of my past is catching up to me
But it's to early, usually it's around July
That I'm at my lowest. It feels like there
Is no solution just pain killers.

Your a big one, every day I smile at the idea
of seeing you. I don't think I can deal with
Lossing you. I know it will happen it's just gonna be hard
I hope, I beg, I pray that it isn't for a long time
So I can some up your warm smile and keep it with me.
Sorry I'm clingy and nit really with everything inside my mind atm