Why bother

Why bother

I knew this would happen. At the beginning I told her that when I open up to people they shut them selfs down and stop talking to me... Now she is doing the same. I understand secrets are ment to stay in our heads but I thought me letting her so far in may have changed that. I showed her my marks, she ran her fingers over my battle wounds, she saw my images of surrender, she felt the intents of where I tensed, she brushed over the black hardened blood yet she still doesn't feel good telling me how she feels or what she thinks. She doesn't eat in front of my, she doesn't lay comfy, she just stays with me. Which is a blessing but I see every time she sucks in her stomach. I notice when she fills up on water instead of food. I look when she distracts us to discard food, I notice her and all the things she does to make her feel comfortable in her own skin and she knows I notice yet she can't tell me what makes her upset at night. We all have things we hide. I just wish that I hadn't told her as much so that she wouldn't see me as a wreck but see me as a helper instead. I still remember the first time we truly spoke about life. I still remember the feel of her shaking as she cried in my arms and I still remember the feel of her fingers slowly examining my old scars... I just want it to be back to those nights. When I didn't care that I was tired and looked horrible because you didn't mind it you just wanted to be with me in that moment. I know I need to get ride of these thoughts and I'm trying but she is truly making it hard.