hey, sorry i havnt been posting my blogspot wasnt letting me sign in for the past 2 weeks but im back now and to make up for it ill be trying to do a few posts in this week.

ive been on holidays for a while now, Well i had a whole month off. I havnt really done much which is expected but it gave me alot of time to think about my life. Ive realised that i havnt done anything. i didnt make plans with anyone, No one tried to make plans with me. I havnt seen anyone except the three main people in my life. This has made me realise that there the only ones left, But with that said i have fallen for someone, Shes amazing, gorgous, cute, kind, caring. Everything that i want and need right now. though i fear its gonna turn out the same as with my last relationship. That relationship was a mistake at the start great in the middle and left me broken at the end. So what am i ment to do. Possibly destroy a good friendship if it all goes wrong. I can just talk to her, about anything. We had a big Deep And Meaningful talk the other night and it was good, But i can see that she is already extremly worried about me, I told her things i havnt told anyone else and im still only scrapping the top of it all. She looked at me after i told her stuff. They were these eyes of worry and pity and fear. I want to keep talking to her about it all but i know it will crush her emotional in the end. I really dont wanna do that to someone i care about.

my nights are getting longer and are full with thoughts of my past and future. i do miss alot of people. I miss the thought of having lots of friends. I miss the thought of security and safety, I miss the thought of having people in my life. and most of all i noticed that it was my fault that it all happened. I caused everyone to leave and forget about me. Which is good because it means im not a burden on anyone anymore, It means i can just fade away into nothing, disapear and not have to worry as much about the people in my life because there arnt all that many left.

and on top of all that i just feel dead, there are these moments of nothing but saddnes, For example this morning i went out for my usual wake up smoke and ended up sitting there for thirty minutes looking into the trees. just blank but so down, I didnt think i was worth it. Worth the energy that i was wasting in moving, i just...
i dont even know

anyway
talk soon.